Everything you never knew you always needed

Undeniable Truths

2011-12-10T07:37:00.003-05:00

I've compiled a small list of undeniable truths that, I'm pretty sure, everyone can agree on. While my blogs are almost always opinion, this one can be viewed as full of facts. Off we go...

- Parents are raising a new generation of wussies. I thought the argument of whether or not it was ok to say "under God" while saying the pledge of allegiance was pretty ridiculous, but since that argument a few years ago, new and improved ignorance has surfaced. In the last couple days, a group of parents against bullying have attempted to get Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer taken off the air forever. Why? Because of the scene where Rudolph is "bullied" and laughed at by the other reindeer when the black covering falls off his nose and reveals his glowing red nose. That's right, folks, this family favorite is no longer about a loveable reindeer who overcomes his own insecurities and leads Santa to Christmas Eve victory by using his god-given beacon of truth to show the way through the bane of fog and rain...no, that's not the moral anymore. The new moral must be what we all missed while we were growing up. I must have missed the part where Rudolph gets laughed at, runs away in tears, plans mass homicidal revenge, and, after gunning down 35 reindeer at his old school, hangs himself in his garage. I missed that part growing up. So, thank you, new generational parents. Thank you. You're making it easier for my kid to kick your kid's ass.

-The oft-used phrase "There are two types of people in this world..." can be used for hundreds, nay, thousands, nay, dare I say, millions of possible combinations. Just because you came up with your own, doesn't mean you have an original idea. Original ideas are ideas that have NEVER been used before. Like the guy that invented the wheel, or shoes, or toilet paper. Not the guy/gal that came up with "There are two types of people in this world: people who are Irish and people who aren't" or the guy/gal that said "There are two types of people in this world: people who live and people who die". Those are not original thoughts. Those are stolen quotes using the wrong words. If I were to say, "There are two types of people in this world: people who like candy and people who don't", how is that original? How about "There are two types of people in this world: people that ride horseback naked on the beach during a full moon but only in December because it's cold out and it makes them feel more alive when they feel the negative degree weather combined with the splash of the cold ocean water on their private parts and people who don't", is that original? No, it's not. You know what that is? Stupid.

-Fifteen to twenty years ago when cell phone usage really started to erupt, cell phones were huge. And when I say huge, I mean in size. Bag phones, and car phones, and everyone remembers that huge brick phone that Zack Morris used to have in Saved by the Bell. In the following years, cell phones got small and smaller. Brick phones became "bar" phones and "flip" phones. Everything got smaller. By now, we all would have thought that phones would be much like Derek Zoolander's phone, roughly the size of a dime. But something happened. What you ask? I have no freaking idea, but phones are freaking HUGE again!!! A friend of mine walked by me the other day talking on his new smartphone and he looked like he was talking into in VHS cassette!! I've seen flat-screen tv's smaller than this phone. Look, I get the need for technology, and if a phone does more, it probably should be a little bigger in size. But, honestly...do I really have to look like Zack Morris walking through the halls of Bayside?

-Fire is hot.

-Water is wet.

-People that like the Yankees, Jets, or Canadiens suck........fact.

PEACE!!!

Society

2011-07-29T18:55:00.003-04:00

On July 26, 2009 an accident occured on the New York Taconic State Parkway. A woman named Diane Schuler drove a mini-van owned by her brother the wrong way down the parkway at 85 miles an hour and killed herself and seven other people, including her daughter, Erin (2 years old), and nieces, Emma (8), Alyson (7), and Kate (5). Toxicology reports released days after the incident revealed that Diane Schuler was well beyond the legal limit for alcohol in her system, and also high at the time of the accident. A half drank bottle of alcohol was also found in the mini-van after the crash, which authorities stated explained the elevated alcohol levels in Ms. Schuler.

Fast forward to present day. Diane Schuler's husband, Daniel, has decided that it wasn't his wife's fault that the accident took place and has decided to sue the State of New York for negligence because he believes the state ""failed to properly mark and/or delineate the appropriate lanes" that would have prevented his wife from driving on the wrong side of the road. Mr. Schuler has also filed a separate lawsuit against his brother-in-law (who, remember, lost three kids of his own) because his brother-in-law owned the mini-van that Ms. Schuler was driving at the time of the accident. I guess somehow, it was the mini-van's fault, too.

Mr. Schuler...ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME?!?!?! What are you, retahded?!?! Your wife killed 8 people including herself, one of your kids, and three of your nieces and you're blaming everyone on the planet BUT HER?!?! She was drunk and high you dumb bastard!!!! She wasn't the perfect angel you're trying to portray her to be! She was a bitch that drank, smoked, drove and killed kids and complete strangers! Get your head out of your ass and start blaming the person that deserves it!

This is exactly what's wrong with this country. Its EXACTLY what's wrong with this country. No one ever wants to take the blame for being ignorant dick heads.

A woman walks into a coffee shop, orders a HOT COFFEE...dumps it on herself while she's driving and WINS HER LAWSUIT AGAINST THE COFFEE SHOP!! Her claim? She was surprised it was actually hot. WHAT THE F*CK?!?!?!

A man realizes that he is grossly obese. Suddenly he realizes that he's been going to McDonald's for two of the three meals a day, every day, for years. Is it his fault? NO!! Of course not!! He sues McDonald's and WINS!!! His claim? "They never explained to me what I was eating". What? Did you...did you really just say that? DID YOU THINK MCDONALD'S WAS HEALTHY YOU BIG DUMB BITCH?!?!

You freaking people knew exactly what you were doing all along. The people of this country need to start taking blame for their own f*ck ups and stop blaming everyone else for the fact that their laps are burned, or they're fat shits, or *gasp*...they have cancer from smoking for 30 YEARS!!! Its not the tobacco company's fault!! Its yours!! You picked up the cigarettes! You smoked three packs a day!! ITS YOUR FAULT!!! Its as much the tobacco company's fault, or McDonald's fault, or the coffee shop's fault, or the state of New York's fault as it is my shoe's fault. Oop, careful Jeff...your shoe will be sued next.

A woman once sued a television network because the weather person on the nightly news was wrong about the weather (oh, big shocker there) and she caught a cold. She won. DUMB ASS!

A man once filed a lawsuit against Anheuser-Busch for false advertising. His claim was that drinking their beer did not actually make girls in bikinis flock to his side. DUMB ASS!

A family once sued Coca-Cola because one of their relatives was killed while trying to steal a can of Coke by rocking a soda vending machine. The machine fell on him. DUMB ASS!

A man once sued the driver of a vehicle because the driver hit him and he claimed that the "rear-end collision" turned him gay. He won his case. DUMB ASS!

A woman once hit a snowmobile and killed the driver. The police said that she was NOT at fault for the accident because the snowmobile driver had darted out in front of her. The woman then sued the widow of the snowmobile driver for pain and suffering of watching the widow's husband die. DUMB ASS!

Stop the madness, grow up, take the damn blame.

Peace.

United States Government

2011-06-24T05:33:00.003-04:00

The United States gonvernment CAN in fact be trusted. No, really, they can. I've compiled a small list of subjects in which they really shouldn't be trusted, but outside of this list, its perfectly fine. Here's my list of when NOT to trust the US government. When they're talking about:

The country's budget, terrorism, war, law, government, baseball, food, wrist watches, football, computers, Diet Coke, cell phones, iPhones, iPads, iPods, basketball, liquid white-out, oranges, little girls' hair styles, pavement, box cutters, criminal behavior, cb radios, retail businesses, weather, marriage, sex, drug and alcohol dependancy, Oprah, hockey, money, business cards, paper suppliers, left-handed scissors, smudge-proof ink, daytime tv, coffee, post-it notes, NCAA eligibility, freedom of speech, freedom of religion, underwear, languages, CCTV, golf, kidnapping, cat-napping, Windows Vista, water polo, white boards, black boards, chalk, acne, Jimmy Hoffa, chess, checkers, Minesweeper, anger, beauty, apples, boats, Nascar, little boys' hairstyles, Reebok, Nike, New Balance, Skechers, erasers, CIA, FBI, DEA, ATF, pencil shavings, microphones, that little piece of toilet paper that sticks to your butt after wiping, Ford, Chevy, Toyota, Saab, phone chargers, irony, art, sports drinks, video games, pornography, the Rocky box-set, music, rap (no, I don't consider that music), Alyssa Milano, full-serve/self-serve gas stations, Sprite, tea, iced tea, green tea, rice cakes, pants, shirts, ties, jackets, socks, fingernail clippings, Wal-Mart, typos, ring around the collar, five golden rings, bosses, Al Capone, linoleum flooring, aluminum siding, house prices, car prices, gas prices, milk prices, hooker prices, school, pole dancing, gender realization, homosexuality, gum, equal rights, racism, sexism, agism, theology, scientology, sociology, biology, Whitey Bulger, scotch tape, alarm systems, Boston accents, hunters, mages, paladins, legal drinking age, legal blood alcohol level, elevators, times of crisis, Entertainment Weekly, hurricanes, tornadoes, potatoes, tomatoes, tacos, McDonalds, Burger King, phlegm when you're really thirsty, lisps, lists describing when not to trust the government, earthquakes, sink holes, Homer Simpson, Peter Griffin, Fred Flintstone, nipples, condoms, emergency exits, snow plows, The Crying Game, the three branches of the federal government, Bill Gates, fine dining, bed sets, interior decorating, fonts, birthdays, holidays, Presidents' Day, Flag Day, Independence Day (the movie, not the 4th of July), the 4th of July, bootlegging, eye color, my hair style, facial hair, Lori Dernier's baseball team preference, workers' compensation, all 50 states and Puerto Rico, that feeling you get when you're JUST about to sneeze but then can't so your nose starts to hurt and your eyes water and everyone around you thinks you're a wuss because you're crying for no reason, clip boards, clip art, clip-on ties, blogs, Facebook, Twitter, the entire internet, sports betting, fire, smoking, careers, procreation, abortion, the death penalty, Microsoft Word, the value of pie, the value of pi, chicken marsala, Jell-O, HTML, mailboxes, the US Postal Service, UPS, FedEX, credit cards, credit debt, mandatory drug testing, pressing '1' for English, health benefits, short term diability, long term disability, STD's, speeding, speed, crack, cocaine, Colombian drug lords, organized crime, the argument of whether or not Roberto Luongo regrets his comments regarding Tim Thomas, the age-old argument still plaguing the world today of 'great taste' or 'less filling', the Statue of Liberty, the statute of limitations, Mandarin Chinese, Cantonese Chinese, Taiwanese Chinese, customer service, cherry pies, flowers, national security, whether or not Tiger Woods is black, dust, mud, manure, photography, pens, rulers, measuring tapes, whether or not my bologna has a last name, garden salad, chicken salad, egg salad, egg white omelettes, and world peace.

Other than when they're talking about those subjects, its perfectly acceptable to trust the United States government.

Trust on, my friends. PEACE!!!

Life's Minor Annoyances...

2010-10-07T12:00:00.000-04:00

I have compiled a small list of annoying phrases that I hear just far too often. Everyone knows them. The phrases that you hear that make your fists tighten and your butthole pucker. The phrases that make you fake smile at the delivery person with an inner feeling of homicidal rage…well…annoyance, anyway. Off we go…

“Having fun yet?”
No one ever asks this if you’re ACTUALLY having fun so you’re only asking to be an asshole. STFU.

“Pahk my cah in Hahvahd Yahd”
Holy shit, if I hear this one more time I’m going to stab myself in the heart with a number 8 pencil just as a ‘screw you’ to the SAT administrators. Anyone from Boston knows that if you don’t have the Boston accent, you’ll never have the Boston accent and you just sound like a freakin’ moron trying to do it…that and anyone worth a crap knows you can’t “pahk in Hahvahd Yahd” anyway so you’re only being an asshole. STFU.

“Just sayin’”
No one’s ever “just sayin’”…if you follow something you just said with “just sayin’” then chances are pretty good you’re just trying to cover your ass because you just said something that was offensive and you’re probably an asshole. STFU.

“Smile, it can only get better.”
No…it can ALWAYS get worse. Doesn’t matter what happened, it can ALWAYS get worse. Break your leg? Still have one more to break. Get into a car accident? Get sued by the other driver. Get kicked in the jublees? Well…no I guess it doesn’t get much worse than that other than having them cut off, but you get the point. It can ALWAYS get worse and chances are you’re an asshole. STFU.

“Men are from Mars and women are from Venus”
No, most men are from Sportgunsteakpornoville, also known as Earth and most women are from the magical world of dancing fairies…otherwise known as Earth. We just have different views. We’re not from different planets and your metaphor makes me think you’re an asshole. STFU.

“Hate is such a strong word”
Yes it is. That’s why I used it, asshole. STFU.

“Have a nice day!”
Has anyone else noticed that this once polite farewell is most commonly used, at this point, to portray sarcasm and a subtle “go f**k yourself”? You don’t want me to have a nice day. You want me to drive my car off a bridge, asshole. STFU.

“Kill them with kindness”
I disagree. Kill them with a bus, asshole. STFU.

That’ll do it for me…for now. I welcome all annoying phrases. Show me what you’ve got…

One Last Attempt...

2010-05-07T12:09:00.007-04:00

Ok ladies...as much as I've tried to give you insight to the male brain, there still seems to be a lot of confusion. Actually, I'm not really sure if its confusion or if you're still just trying to control every man you see (understandably so), but I'm going to stick with the assumption that its confusion...so here's my One Last Attempt in three easy categories...

1. Food:

Without a doubt, the most important part of a man's life. To hell with kids (not really), to hell with women (sorry), to hell with cars, sports, and sex (sorry). THE MOST IMPORTANT thing in a man's life is food. And good food, not any kind of food. Sure, every now and again a man likes to partake in a Twinkie or a Slim Jim, but our main love? Beeeeeeeeeeffff.

The biggest mistake a woman makes is trying to mess with a man's diet. There is not a man alive (save a select, ball-less few) that wants to eat steamed carrots and cabbage. What in the name of God are you thinking?! You know what makes cabbage good? CORNED BEEF! Know what would make steamed carrots good? If you stuff them into a 72 ounce porter house steak, wrap it in bacon, and deep fry the f*cker. THAT'S what makes a man happy. Stop messing with our diets.

(These next two categories contain borrowed information with a great Jeff G. twist. Enjoy)

2. Talking:

One of the biggest mistakes a woman can make is just talking too much. Especially during a sporting event. Now, this might upset some of you women reading this right now, but I assure you, that's not my intention. I'm trying to help....kind of. Anyway, so when most women tell men something, they really don't just say it. They say it, and then say it again in a different way, and then say it again the same way as the first time, and then say it again a third way, and then say it again the same way they said it the second time, and then say it again a completely new way, and then, just for good measure, say it one more time the same exact way before waiting an hour to start all over again.
A little part of me dies everytime I see this happen. Its not because the man has no interest in what the woman's saying. Its not because the man doesn't love her. Its because after the second time, he can't hear you anymore. Its physically impossible for him to hear you anymore. You know why? Because, to him, you now sound like a f*cking helicopter landing in the distance. All he can hear is "dit dit dit dit dit dit dit dit dit dit dit". Stop talking. Actually...scratch that...don't stop talking. Talk as much as you want...but here's a tip to hold his interest: Every now and then, throw in a word that interests him just to keep it from becoming white noise. For example:

"You know, Honey, I asked you three times to take out the trash...beer...if I have to ask you again, I'm going to get upset...boobies...now PLEASE take the trash out...steak...before my mom gets here!"

It really is that simple. No....really.

3. Travel:

There is not one person in this world that doesn't know that a man does NOT want to stop and ask for directions. Well, I've figured out why...if you're driving along, and you realize you're lost, and your man absolutely refuses to stop and ask for directions...then chances are pretty damn good he has NO interest in getting to where you're taking him!! Do you honestly think he would have a problem asking for directions if you were going to a bar or a sports stadium?! Hell no!! But why, in the name of all that is holy, would you EVER think he'd ask for directions to the antiquie show?! Or the flower show?! Or Bed, Bath and Beyond?!
However...even to this problem, there is a solution. If you're going somewhere and you know he doesn't want to be there, get him a GPS. That solves two problems: He won't HAVE to ask for directions to get there, and he'll get to play with his new toy and probably won't mind going as much. Just a little tip.

God speed to y'all!!

Stalkers...

2009-11-06T19:38:00.003-05:00

So, most of you probably saw my Facebook status regarding love songs of today...and I guess not just of today, but songs of late are going to be my main focus...

So for about the past 5 or 10 years, I've noticed a very disturbing trend among pop "love" songs...EVERYONE THAT WRITES A LOVE SONG IS A FREAKIN' STALKER!!! The latest one I've heard is by some Gaga Girl called Paparazzi. The chorus you ask? "I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me". Ho...ly...shit. You're going to follow me around until I love you? I'm sorry, are you a paparazzi photographer or are you a F***ING STALKER?!?! Don't follow me woman. Don't follow anyone. I'm pretty sure I got your name wrong but I saw pictures of you at the MTV Video Awards and I think if anyone ever sees you following them they're going to shoot-to-kill...I know I would.

The worst part about these songs is that this ISN'T THE WORST ONE! There is a minor debate about what could possibly the worst "stalker" song of all time. There are the old timers of the world that defend songs such as "I'll Never Stop Loving You" by Doris Day and "Little Darlin'" by The Diamonds (oh come on..."Little darlin' oh where are you"?!?!)....and to those people, I say hold true to your beliefs...you know why? Because the songs of this generation are F***ED UP! Let's for one second forget about the Gaga Lady and talk about Clay Aiken..."If I was invisible then I could just watch you in your room"...duuuuude...whaaaaaaat?!?!?!?! Who was the stupid jack-ass that let that guy believe that singing about hiding and watching someone in their room was ok?!?!?! Think about it!! There is no "I love you " undertone to that song!!! He's a psycho!! He wants to watch you in your room while he's invisible!! What the hell is he doing there?! I sure as shit don't recall that big black guy on American Idol singing crap like that!!

"Now everybody from the 313, put your motherf***ing hands up and follow me....everybody from the 313 put your motherf***ing hands up..."

Moving on to the next song that no woman in the world should ever want dedicated to them...Enrique freakin' Iglesias-you know, the son of the ever popular Julio-singing the absolute epitome of stalker songs. How many remember this: "You can run, you can hide, but you can't escape my love". Ok, so let me get this straight...you love me, but no matter how fast I run away from you, or change my name to avoid you, I can't escape you because you're out of your damn mind...ok, got it. Thanks for that. Remind me to avoid further contact with latino men that can't sing but make money off of their father's name. PSYCHO!!!

What is it with songs today? And why do people attack rap or rock? Shit, at least their saying straight out what they're thinking! Rappers sing about "raping a ho"...I'm not saying I agree with it but at least they're being honest. Rockers sing about "snortin' the coke and blowin' shit up"...again, not my idea of a good time, however, at least they're being honest. These pop stars aren't being honest!! They're claiming that they're stating "I love you" when what they're really saying is "I'm out of my freakin' mind and if I can't have you, no one will". Come on people!! They're insane!!

That and Clay Aiken should be bitch slapped from here to next Wednesday...I really hate that guy.

Take is as you will...peace.

Advertisements...

2009-07-10T23:50:00.005-04:00

So I've always wondered...what would happen if we put a normal, everyday person into the commercials that we see on tv all the time? A normal person, kind of like...oh, I don't know...me. What would happen if you put me into the commercials that we see all the time? Let's analyze this one...

How many of you have seen the commercials in which there's just some random person in a supermarket that dumps grape juice on some poor sap's white shirt to demonstrate some kind of laundry detergent? Let's put me in this one...

Detergent guy (DG) dumps grape juice on my white, Red Sox jersey.

Me: "Dude!! What the (BLEEP) was that for?!?!

DG: "Sir, let me show you..."

Me: "Show me what, mother (BLEEP)er?! You just dumped (BLEEP)ing grape juice on my (BLEEP)ing shirt!!!"

DG: "Sir! Our new detergent will show us that that grape juice is nothing more than..."

Me: "Shut (BLEEP) the up you (BLEEP)ing (BLEEP)!!! You (BLEEP)ing ruined my (BLEEP)ing shirt!!! I'll (BLEEP)ing kill you, you (BLEEP)ing (BLEEP)!!!!!!!"

DG: "My good sir, I promise you that our new and improved laundry detergent will, no doubt, be able to cleanse your white shirt completely clear of that grape juice stain."

Me: "You better (BLEEP)ing hope so, mother (BLEEP)er!!! I'll jam that (BLEEP)ing bottle up your (BLEEP) so far you'll be (BLEEP)ing soap for a (BLEEP)ing month, mother (BLEEP)er!!!"

After several minutes and numerous attempts to clean my shirt...

DG: "Sir, I'm quite sorry. We've never had a problem getting stains out before."

Me: "MOTHER (BLEEP)ER!!! WHAT THE (BLEEP)! YOU (BLEEP)ING (BLEEP) YOU MOTHER (BLEEP)ING (BLEEP)!!! I'M GOING TO (BLEEP)ING KILL YOU, YOU DUMB (BLEEP)!!"

DG: "Sir, I..."

Me: "(BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP)!!!!!

That one's fair...but what about a commercial in which nothing happened to any piece of apparel. What if you put me in a commercial with the late, great Billy Mays and I was watching something he was trying to sell...

Billy: "Watch how this Oxy-Clean gets out even the toughest of stains!"

Me: "No it doesn't. I've tried it. It doesn't do any more than normal bleach does."

Billy: "Sure it does, Jeff! Just watch the Oxy-Clean work on this work shirt!"

Me: "Billy, dude, you just poored beach sand on that shirt. I watched you. Water would get that dirt off, never mind your Oxy-Clean."

Billy: (teeth clenched) "No, Jeff...this is motor oil! Its nearly impossible to get out of fabric!" Just watch how the Oxy-Clean breaks up the stain!"

Me: "Uh...Billy...I love that you have ESPN commercials now, but that ain't motor oil. Its sand. I could piss that dirt off the shirt."

Billy: pulling me asied "Ok, listen mother(bleep)er...Oxy (bleep)ing Clean ain't nothing but mother(bleep)ing dish detergent, but it pays the mother(bleep)ing bills so shut the (bleep) up and sell the (bleep)ing (bleep), got it?"

Me: "Sure Billy."

Billy: (bleep) I hate my (bleeping) job.

How about a sales pitch that I don't agree with...

Bob Villa: "Here at Sear's, Craftsman tools are the absolute greatest. With a lifetime warantee, you can't go wrong."

Me: "Hey, Bobby, the reason there's a lifetime waran-(bleeing)ing-tee is because the (bleep)ing things are so (bleep)ing cheap, Craftsman can afford to keep replacing them."

Bob Villa: "Well, that's just not true, Jeff! Craftsman tools are so fantastic that I have three hundred and nineteen sets of them! I love them so much that would trade them in for my childrens' lives! I'm a Craftsman freak!!! I love Craftsman!! CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN...."

Me:.........well, I don't actually say anything to this psycho anymore........I just kick him in the d*ck to attempt a reset on his psychotic brain.

Last one...

Does anyone actually think I'd be a good movie critic? I've often wondered...

Reviewing a new movie with Roger Ebert:

Me: "Oh, I found the movie to be painfully boring. The action scenes were not only horrendously palpable, but also ridiculously foreseeable. The movie was about 3 and a half hours long and it was incontestably 3 hours too long. The actors were guileless and seemed to be just running through the motions of your typical action piece of junk."

Roger Ebert: "I disagree. I found it to be quite enjoyable with just the right amount of..."

Me: "(BLEEP) you Roger..."

The moral? Keep Jeff off television...it'd be far too entertaining...

Peace...

Spring Fever...

2009-04-25T17:43:00.005-04:00

What is Spring Fever? Is it good? Does it have pros? Is it bad? Does it have cons? Does it effect everyone?

The web definition of Spring Fever is as follows:
A term applied to several sets of physical and psychological symptoms associated with the arrival of spring. In general it refers to an increase in energy, vitality and particularly sexual appetite, often particularly strong in those suffering from Seasonal affective disorder (SAD)[1] and thus experiencing lows during the winter months. In some uses however it refers to the opposite, an unexpected loss of energy with the onset of spring

Now I'm a pretty smart guy but I don't have the patience to figure all that crap out so let's see if we can't break it down...

Spring Fever...it either makes you horny or it makes you tired. Simple enough? I thought so, too. Until, of course, it was explained to me that Spring Fever is the reason I've been in such a good mood as of late. Much like the way I was feeling when I SWORE that the girl I saw at work was a friend of mine so I gave her a little "tickle poke" in the side...well...it wasn't her. And much to this young lady's delight, I realized this as her large, biker boyfriend was walking out of one of the room settings in the showroom...he wasn't happy and I firmly believe that if I didn't have the power of speech to talk my way out of it, he would've happily ground me into a fine powder before taking his girlfriend out for a Big Cookie at Uno's (honorable mention). I think that story would constitute a con of Spring Fever. However...I think a pro is that for some reason I felt playful enough to risk reaction. Oh well...hindsight is 20/20. And all things considered...at least I still have all my teeth and won't be sucking any meals through a straw.

I don't fully understand the power of Spring Fever. I thought I was in a good mood recently because I finally made it out onto the golf course and had a "decent" day out there. If I could golf in January, I think I'd feel the same way.

I don't know much about feeling tired once the Spring hits so I can't really touch on that side of it except to say to the people that suddenly feel tired when the nice weather hits, "YOU'VE BEEN PISSING AND MOANING ABOUT WINTER FOR THE LAST FOUR MONTHS!! ITS BEAUTIFUL OUTSIDE! GET YOUR LAZY ASS OFF THE COUCH!!!"

Other explanations for feelings during the first few weeks of Spring are restlessness, intense nervous excitement, high-energy spurts, loss of appetite, insomnia, a yearning to break away, or a desire, as one writer put it, "to run away with mad love". Now I don't know what that last one means but it sounds like fun so someone sign me up.

What is Spring Fever? Does it even exist or is it just a cheap cop-out explanation for something? Anyone?

Ponder that one...

Stay safe all. Happy Spring...

This and That...

2009-02-20T18:58:00.012-05:00

So let's clear some things up here...

Here's a little insight into what people really mean when they say certain things. Let's go:

-When someone says "I'm just a neat freak" they actually mean "I'm extremely neurotic and if you drop something on the floor I'll kill you."

-When someone says "I love nature" they actually mean "I'm a hippie; someone shoot me."

-When a guy says "No, Sweetie, I have no problem with you going to get dinner with your ex-boyfriend. I trust you" he actually means "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

-When a woman says "No, Sweetie, I have no problem with you going to get dinner with your ex-girlfriend. I trust you" she actually means "If you go out with that skank, I will sleep with every one of your friends"

-When a husband says "Sure, Hon, we can get the Kia for better gas mileage" he actually means "Well we already have three kids anyway...I guess the loss of my penis for driving that piece of crap won't matter much"

-When a wife says "Sure, Hon, we can get the Mustang for some fun" she actually means "If you buy that f***ing thing I will sleep with every one of your friends"

-When a father says "New boyfriend, huh? Yeah sure bring him over" he actually means "OH COME ON!!!!!"

-When a mother says "New boyfriend, huh? Well, don't let your father find out" she actually means.......well........she probably means exactly that.

-When bosses say "Yeah, sure! You deserve a vacation!" they actually mean "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!"

-When a barber says "Oops" he actually means "Have you thought about shaving your head? That look is in this year"

-When a doctor says "Oops"..................just run; it doesn't matter what he means.

-When a mechanic says "Don't worry. Its not that bad. Maybe a couple hundred bucks" he actually means "I'm going to need some collateral for this loan you're about to take out"

-When a used car salesman says "This here's a beaut! Only one owner and 'taken care of'" he actually means "Yeah some wanna be race car driver owned this thing. He beat the crap out of it and it probably won't last much longer"

-When a lady in a dress shop says "Oh my you look heavenly in that color" she actually means "Damn!! Your ass is huge!!"

-When a fortune teller says "You will be hit with a large amount of luck" she actually means "Duck"

-When a guy says "Honey, I'm only going to the strip club for Joe's bachelor party. I won't even look" he actually means "BOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIES!!"

-When a woman says "Honey, I'm only going to the strip club for Jane's bachelorette party. I won't even look" she actually means "Back off ya fat ass...if you're lucky I'll come home riled up"

-When a waiter in a snotty restaurant says "Oh yes sir. I'll bring your coffee right over" he actually means "Would you like urine with that?"

Keep on keeping on....peace.

Back by popular demand...

2009-02-05T18:53:00.004-05:00

TOP FORTY RULES FROM MEN TO WOMEN

40. Learn to work the toilet seat: We need it up, you need it down...if it's up put it down.

39. Don't cut your hair....................ever.

38. Birthdays, Valentines Day, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again.

37. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

36. Sometimes he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

35. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, golf, the designated hitter rule, or monster trucks.

34. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

33. We're not going to tell you you're fat so stop asking us.

32. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

31. Shopping is not a sport.

30. Anything you wear is fine...................really.

29. You have enough clothes.

28. You have too many shoes.

27. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

26. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your Dad probably is too.

25. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

24. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

23. Peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

22. Most guys own two or three pairs of shoes -- What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to any question.

20. A headache that lasts for 13 months is a problem. See a doctor.

19. Your mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

18. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

17. Check your oil.

16. Don't give us 50 rules when 10 will do.

15. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

14. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.

13. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

12. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

11. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

10. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we appreciate how pretty you are?

9. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.

8. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

7. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

6. Women wearing Wonder Bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

5. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

4. Telling us that the female models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazine.

3. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

2. We see only sixteen colors. Like Windows default...ie: peach and plum are not colors...they're fruit.

AND FINALLY, THE NUMBER ONE RULE:

1. Using our tools for a reasons outside their intended use is illegal and may be punishable by death.

Apathy...

2009-01-28T10:33:00.006-05:00

**WARNING!!! If you enjoy reality tv shows, you may not enjoy this blog entry!!!**

...But I don't really care...

People with a sick pension to watch every single reality show on tv should be shot. If you enjoy reality tv...that's one thing and its bad enough, but if you literally plan your week around every reality show on every station, you may want to consider counseling. From Real World to Hell's Kitchen to Survivor to Surreal Life to Rock of Love to Intervention to that new piece of crap that focuses mainly on celebrities with drug problems....what in the hell?!?! Is there really no enjoyment left in fiction?! They've officially done a reality tv show on every aspect of life that can possibly be done!!! THEY'VE EVEN MADE SEQUELS TO THESE CRAPPY VERSIONS OF REAL LIFE!!!

I have some advice for the reality tv junkies.......GET A LIFE!!! Your life cannot honestly be that bad that you have to watch other people's crumble!!

In lies my solution.......ready? Here we go:

Turn on the tv...go ahead, I'll wait...

Ok, now turn on some reality tv show based on the overweight celebrities of the eighties...it can't be that hard to find, there are about 37 of them...now, the next time one of the celebrities starts whining about how difficult their life has been because they made millions of dollars and pissed it all away on cigarettes and Twinkies, I want you to close your eyes...take a deep breath...and scream, "I............DON'T...............CARE!!!!"

I DON'T CARE!!! I DON'T CARE!!! I DON'T CARE!!! Who in the hell cares about this shit?!?! These people had it all and its their fault that they're in the position that they're in!!!

Dustin Diamond (yes folks, Screech) made his millions on one of the dumbest shows in tv history. It was fiction, it was corny, it had probably some of the worst plot lines in tv history, but everyone watched it. Everyone enjoyed it. Well.........Screech lost it all. I saw Screech on tv in some telethon in an effort to keep his house. This, of course, was shortly before he was seen on VH1 on that overweight celebrity show in which he damn near got his ass kicked by some real life drill sergeant. Screech..............I'M NOT PAYING FOR YOUR MILLION DOLLAR MANSION BECAUSE YOU PISSED AWAY YOUR FORTUNE ON STUPID SHIT!!! AND I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR WHINING ABOUT IT EITHER!!!

I don't care about the problems that these people have!!! Shit if I drive down the street and the guy in front of me blows a tire and has to pull over to change it...I DON'T CARE ABOUT HIS TIRE!!! WHY IN THE F**K SHOULD I CARE ABOUT SOME WHINEY LITTLE CELEBRITY THAT LIKES TO GET HIGH ON WHIPPED CREAM GAS AND PAINT THINNER BECAUSE HIS CAREER HAS GONE NOWHERE?!?!?!

Now I tried watching some of the reality shows of history. I watched an episode of Survivor...and once I realized that all the producers of the show cared about was the gay guy that just wanted to walk around naked collecting fire wood....I changed the damn station!!! WHO CARES?!?!?! I tried an episode of the Real World. Then, as far as I could tell, all that was happening was some cowboy decided he didn't like the black girl of the house, so....I changed the damn station!!! WHO CARES?!?!?! American Idol..........oh don't even get me started on this shit show.......Simon needs a boot to the face.......English prick. And what the hell is up with the black guy? I don't think one person comes through that he doesn't call "dog".....oops, sorry....."dawg". WHO CARES?!?!?!

Reality shows suck. But I'm going to jump on the band wagon and I'm going to write my own. I'm going to come up with my own reality tv show and all I'm going to do is get six people to live in a house together and I'm going to pay them to fight. That's all they're going to do. Fight. There aren't going to be any challenges, there aren't going to be any prizes, there aren't going to be any goals. They're going to wake up in the morning, eat, fight, drink, and go to sleep. And its going to be called "Six Fat, Drugged-Out Snapper Heads That No One Gives a Crap About But They Fight A Lot So People Watch Anyway". And you know what? YOU'LL ALL WATCH!!!! Why?!?! WHO THE HELL KNOWS?!?! BUT YOU WILL!!!

F**king reality shows. Bring back A-Team...

Peace.

Superheroes...

2009-01-18T10:13:00.007-05:00

Superheroes....

Would the world be better off with them or are we better off without them? Let's talk about this for a second...what better way to spend a snowy Sunday morning than to ponder such important topics?

I figure there are a lot of pros and cons to superheroes actually being real. The ultimate pro obviously being the hot women in tight clothes or next to nothing that could toss me around like a rag doll. On the other side of that, the ultimate con would be men in tight clothes or next to nothing that could toss me around like a rag doll. You have to take the good with the bad, I guess. But what about the less than obvious pros and cons?

Sure, superheroes would be extremely helpful for the crime in society. Who, other than the obvious psychos, would honestly try to rob a bank with guys like Superman around? You have to doubt the validity of the Superman movies...if he was actually real, there is no way in hell there would be as much crime as Superman fights in those movies. To take that a step further, Superman would probably be bored off his skull sitting around doing nothing because of the lack of crime simply because of his existence. But what about Batman? He can't get around like Superman can. If you see a news report that Batman is currently fighting crime in New York...just rob a bank in Boston!!! Batman wouldn't be able to get there in time! Hell, he probably wouldn't even know about it until he read it in the paper the next day. Useless S.O.B., that one.

But other than the big crimes...would you be able to hire superheroes for your own personal reasons if they existed? If I was in a contest for a team swim, could I throw Aquaman a grand to anchor the team? What about a foot race? Would the Flash be available? What if it wasn't a contest? What if I had an annoying neighbor that I wanted to beat down? Everyone has at least one....you know who I'm talking about...that crazy guy that shovels his driveway in July for no reason and the only meal he really enjoys is a paste he makes out of Miracle Whip and Pixie Stix...would a superhero be willing to be paid to beat on him a little bit until he's a little more sane? A superhero like........say.........Green Lantern?

If superheroes existed solely for crime fighting purposes, then the likelihood of needing so many would be pretty stupid. Especially since the men outnumber the women about three to one. Wonder Woman? Bring it on. Green Hornet.......dude just stay home.....we all know you'd be nothing without Kato anyway.

Side note: While we're talking about green superheroes.....I used to be pretty sure that Aquaman was the most useless of all superheroes......if you happen to be robbed while under the ocean, you'll be all set but other than that....you're pretty screwed. However, I now have a new opinion...Aquaman has taken the number two spot for most useless superheroes....number one? The Green Arrow. What the f*ck is this guy's issue? He shoots a bow and arrow....wow. Could you imagine trying to steal a purse in downtown L.A. and suddenly some guy in green tights and a Peter Pan hat comes out of nowhere and threatens you with a bow and arrow? Dude......what the f*ck....

Anyway, in my humble yet over exaggerated opinion.....unless a superhero would be willing to fight crime WHILE being on the take for certain selfish errands.....there's no real reason for them to exist........unless its Dream Girl from Marvel comics........growl......

PEACE!!!!

Baseball...

2009-01-05T18:23:00.009-05:00

It has been brought to my attention that there are quite a few of you out there that find it hard to believe that I have nothing to say about how the baseball off-season has played out so far. How do I feel about the Red Sox trading Coco Crisp? What do I think about the Yankees spending nearly a half billion dollars on three free agent players? What was my first thought when the Yankees signed Teixeira instead of the Sox? What about the Rays making moves while the Red Sox sit pretty idle? What are my predictions for the 2009 season? Will the Sox compete or miss the playoffs? (I love this one) Will the Cubs ever win a World Series? Is there a chance that the Phillies can repeat?

Well....let me start by saying this to everyone that has asked me questions about the upcoming baseball season: I am under the firm belief that you are giving my psychic abilities FAR too much credit. Simply put; I have no freakin' idea. I'm a Red Sox fan first and a baseball fan second. In my opinion, if I live for another fifty years, I will see at least 46 more Red Sox championships. That's what I think. Realistic? HELL NO! But I'm a Sox fan and for some reason we love to torture ourselves more than those crazy bastards that walk across hot coals or sleep on beds made of nails.

I don't have the first clue if the Cubs will ever win the World Series. Based solely on the fact that they are the Cubs, I would have to say no, but what the hell do I know.....there is no baseball outside of Boston. The Phillies? Well, let me put it this way...being the first team in baseball to 10,000 losses is BAD thing, not a good thing. Congratulations on your feat. Here's to 10,000 more. Teixeira? F*ck him. I hope he trips over Derek Jeter and they both break their necks. Then, just for good measure, I hope A-Rod just falls off something. I don't care what it is. Just fall and hurt something.

Baseball is life. Its the reason a lot of people trudge through the winter without killing anyone (other than football). I love the game and I love the Red Sox, but I'm not all knowing and all seeing. If you have a question about the Red Sox or about the rules of the game, I'm your guy. But don't ask me if the Kansas City Royals will ever climb out of the cellar. Why? Because I don't know, and to be honest, I don't really care.

As soon as the baseball season ends in October, I only look forward to one thing: pitchers and catchers reporting. And what better day for them to report this year than the day of undying love. Valentine's Day baby. I love it.

I'm a hometown boy. I love the fact that the Pats are always in the mix, the Celtics are winners again, the Bruins are finally back in business, the Boston College teams are running strong, and anything else in Titletown. But I'm a Red Sox fan first. Once that season starts, everything else ends.

Spring Training reporter: "Where do the Red Sox rank in terms of importance in your life?"
Jimmy Fallon (as Ben the School Teacher): "I say the Red Sox.....sex.....and breathing."

Let's go Sox.

My Finances...

2009-01-03T18:34:00.003-05:00

You know, I probably don't have the hardest job in the world. Hell I know people with jobs tougher than mine. A very good friend of mine drives a trash truck. That can't be easy. My brother is a carpenter. I think he's lost more fingernails due to hammer impact than anyone else in history. There are jobs much tougher than mine everywhere. I know this. I do, however, work hard. What my job lacks in physical necessity it more than makes up for in stress levels. I put a lot of hours in, I deal with quite a bit of crap, and most of the time I'm forced to deal with certain levels of problems even on my days off. Needless to say, I certainly work hard for my money.

And what I hate to a level I can't even describe is the people that are looking for hand outs. I'm not just talking about the friends that are too lazy to get a job so every week they're looking for another twenty bucks so they can pick up beer. Yeah, that aggravates me, but I'm talking about these people on tv that aren't selling anything but everlasting life.

Now, let's get one thing straight here...if I walk down the street and I see some leg-less, homeless bum sitting on the curb, drinking water out of an old boot because the leather makes it taste like whiskey, while he's sitting next to what he considers to be his best friend but is, in fact, a pink boo-boo bunny that he stole from some little girl in the park that just wanted her head to feel better, then yeah......I'm going to give this guy something. He needs it. And I don't really care what he spends it on. Food, alcohol, tobacco.....whatever. Whatever makes him happy. He's probably made some poor choices in life and now he has to pay for it by living on the streets. Let the bastard buy whatever he wants. But if you're some jerk-off that has his own tv and radio show....if you have on a three piece suit that, more than likely, costs more than my whole wardrobe.....if you're just some ass bag mo-fo that's preaching that you need my money so you can make another payment on your 2009 Lexus, then you can kiss my ass.

That's right folks!!! I speak of the ultra-hated televangelist. This same ass-clown that tells me one day that I should send all of my money to him so I can have a place at the right hand of God, is the same shit head that tells me the next day that money can't buy me happiness. Are you kidding me? So let me get this straight....money can't buy me love, respect, honor, caring, or happiness....but it can buy me a seat in Heaven? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FREAKIN' MIND?!?! WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT IS THAT?!?! What about the poor people out there? Are they doomed to an eternity of damnation because they can't afford to send you money after paying rent and buying food? How about the people that have never seen your show?! Are they all screwed because they're not awake at three in the morning to watch your show?! I'm not really sure it should be their fault!!! They don't even know you're on!!! I'd be willing to bet every penny I make for the rest of my life that those people wouldn't give a crap if they DID know you were on. You still wouldn't get their money.

I understand some people believe in that type of stuff. I understand that its a question of faith. I also understand that most of the people that believe in that and send their money to the televangelist are the same people that barely have a pot to piss in. Not only that, but they're more than likely the same people that have an uncle in rehab, a nephew in a wheel chair, a sister with some incurable muscle disorder, and a freakin' cat with three legs. I'm not sure they have any reason to believe, but they still do. I've got some advice for them............

KEEP YOUR MONEY!!!!!!! Buy your cat a fake leg and your Uncle Remus a bottle of Wild Turkey. He's more fun when he's drunk anyway. Stop sending your money to these people. Hold onto it. Enjoy it while you're here. Let your actions speak for the afterlife....not your money.

DAMN THE MAN!!!!!!

Have a little fun...

2008-12-16T01:14:00.004-05:00

W.W.J.D. = What Would Jesus Do

Now, I don't like to preface my opinion with explanation because its my opinion. Its what I think and if anyone doesn't like it they can kiss my ass. However, this is a subject in which I'll preface...

I'm not, in any way, saying that I don't believe in God or Jesus or any of the rules they supposedly came up with before some guy wrote them down. I believe that there is a higher power of some sort. I don't necessarily agree with most of what organized religion says or tells us to do, but I'll give God the benefit of the doubt. How else could you explain the euphoric substance that is orange juice? Come on now...

So, onto the point....the whole W.W.J.D. thing. It used to be a lot bigger than it is now. T-shirts, bracelets, tattoos (which makes little sense when you think about it), all that crap. Its not as prominent now as it was five or ten years ago but it still gets an honorable mention every now and then. I don't know who came up with it but I'd be willing to bet they made some serious money off of it (not exactly what God would've had in mind, but who am I to judge). Let's get one thing straight here......if you're looking for paradise in the after-life while having absolutely NO fun while you're here on earth, then What Would Jesus Do is the perfect motto for you. Would Jesus have a beer after a hard day? No, probably not. Would Jesus go out for a night on the town bar hopping with six or seven friends? Nah. Would Jesus go bungi jumping? Well.....maybe, but let's face it......its not like he'd have to worry about surviving the fall if the bungi snapped. Would Jesus binge on cheeseburgers and ice cream when having a bad day? Hell no. Jesus would just pray while eating that crappy bread with no yeast in it. Jesus would preserve his after-life. But..........in the immortal words of......well, I'm not really sure who originated it but........."Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, But rather to skid in sideways- beer in one hand-cheeseburger in the other- body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming- "WHOO-HOO, What a Ride!"

If you're looking for a boring life with barely any fun and lots of people telling you to lighten up, then What Would Jesus Do is definitely for you. But if you're looking to have a blast in your life.....if you're looking to have a night where you have the chance to wake up the next day with six friends in a jail cell wondering what the hell you did last night, each with different tattoos on different parts of your body......if you're actually looking to have outstandingly fun stories to tell for ages to come...........I highly recommend a different approach......W.W.J.D. works..........but try this one..........

What Would Jeff Do

Party, right the f***, on....

Peace.

Never...

2008-11-30T17:51:00.000-05:00

Never, EVER say to a woman...

..."But your sister liked it like this."

..."Less talkie, more booby."

..."Wow Honey, your roomate is really cute."

..."DAMN! Did you see that butt?!?"

..."Are you kidding me? MY boobs are bigger than yours are."

..."Have you put on weight?"

..."Hey Honey! What was the number for that male enlargement pill?"

..."OK! YES! She was attractive but I wouldn't have a shot with her so stop worrying."

..."Are you on your period? Because you're being really bitchy."

..."Oh man, Babe, my new secretary is HOT!"

..."Don't worry about it. I'll be home before dawn."

..."Where's the credit card? I found a new porn site I want to try out."

..."Those pants really make your butt look big."

(let me reiterate)..."Those pants really make your butt look big."

..."I think your dad is gay."

..."I think your brother is gay."

..."I think you may have turned me gay."

..."Any chance you're bi-sexual?"

..."Oprah sucks."

..."Absolutely you can change your own oil! You can use my tools!"

..."It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again."

..."Did you fart?"

..."I just farted."

..."Sweetie, your best friend's wedding isn't all that important. I mean, isn't this her fourth?"

..."Can I put those pictures of you on my MySpace page?"

..."So I was talking to (insert any guy's name here) today about our problems."

..."Oh God! I've slept with a LOT more people than you have!"

..."Oh come on! You KNOW you've slept with more people than that!"

..."Are you crazy? This shirt cost me eight bucks!"

There are many, many more but if I sit and write them all, it'll probably just bore me and then I'll lose the interest in blogging. Common sense guys............common sense.

Battle of the Sexes

2008-11-25T19:41:00.000-05:00

Question...

Why in the hell do women always tell men that there's nothing wrong when its clear as day that there is?

The passive aggressive nature of women absolutely amazes me....and you know what? This is coming from a guy that has pissed off his fair share of women. Every guy reading this is thinking "Oh, haven't we all" and while the expectation is that I will sit here and try to explain to you that I've pissed off more women than any of you have but I know that I haven't. I know that we all have pissed off plenty of women. Shit, its in our nature. And half the time we don't know we're even doing it. You know why? BECAUSE THOSE GODDAM WOMEN WON'T TELL US!!!!

Let's touch upon something here.............when a guy gets angry, he does all he can NOT to piss all over the furniture to mark his territory. Everyone around him knows he's pissed off. And 90% of the time, everyone around him knows WHY he's pissed off. It could be a reason as small as a stain on the carpet or a reason as big as the Red Sox blowing another game because Terry Francona brought in the wrong relief pitcher and that pitcher ended up giving up four runs in the seventh inning because he didn't get enough warm up time and THEN EVERYTHING JUST GOES WRONG FROM THERE BECAUSE THAT LOUSY BUM CAN'T THROW A BASEBALL..............sorry...........got off topic there.....anyway, the reason that everyone knows why he's pissed off is because we're trained. We're trained by women to be up front and honest. Not only are we trained but we're commanded to be so because if we don't, we have to deal with the constant nagging of a woman that NEEDS to know why we're pissed off. So we just save time, do our best to shut her up, and say what's wrong.

Oh, but not women. The same woman that has us trained to not only be "open" and "honest" but also to fetch the damn paper on command, has that inevitable talent to make us guess what's wrong with her no matter what. How many guys have been through this scenario:

Guy: "Honey, I'm going to watch the game with the guys tonight."
Insane woman: "Ok, have fun." (with slight disdain)
Guy: "Are you ok with that? I won't go if you don't want me to."
Insane woman: "No, no, its fine. Have fun with your little friends."
Guy: "Wait, what's that mean? I just want to go out and watch the game."
Insane woman: "I said it was fine. I'll be here doing laundry. Enjoy."

And with that last statement, the guy already knows that he's in trouble for even THINKING about going out to watch the game. Why is he in trouble? BECAUSE ITS PROBABLY THE F***ING 3 YEAR, TWO MONTH ANNIVERSARY OF THE FIRST KISS YOU HAD THAT WAS ON A TUESDAY NIGHT AFTER EATING CRUNCH BERRIES!!!!! SHOULDN'T WE REMEMBER THAT?!?!?!?! WHO COULD POSSIBLY FORGET THE F***ING CRUNCH BERRIES?!?!

Its amazing to me how women can be so open to their friends about their ass looking fat in a certain pair of pants while they make guys play cherades without the benefit of actions to figure out what the hell is wrong with them!!!!!

Ladies.....be honest......its all about the mystery. A guy absolutely HAS to be open and honest about everything while you can sit back, relax, and make them guess everything. Its all about the mystery. Its all about never letting a guy figure you out. Because if he does......you change everything around. The mystery is letting us believe that black is actually white, and once we figure out that black is actually white, IT SWITCHES RIGHT THE F**K BACK TO BLACK BEING BLACK!!!! Love eggs over easy?!?! Fantastic!!! That's how we'll make them!!! Of course, after the third time of making eggs over easy, suddenly you prefer them scrambled!!!!!!!!!!!! Why didn't we know this?!?!?! We are such awful human beings!!!! By now we should know that you've had eggs over easy for the third time in fifty freakin' years so now you want them scrambled!!!! DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

And you know what ladies? Truth be told......we don't want you to make it easy on any of us. As much as we hate to admit it.........we're going to love you anyway.

Peace.

Pike Hike

2008-11-25T10:05:00.000-05:00

So......for those of you not aware, the tolls that have been in place in Massachusetts for the past, oh, I don't know, hundred years were supposed to be gone by now. The Ted Williams Tunnel, the Tobin Bridge, the base of my freakin' driveway.........you know, all the spots they can put a toll where your butthole will hurt for years after paying for it all. Well, these tolls have been around for FAR longer than "they" had originally planned....matter of fact, they've talked many, many times about taking the tolls out. I'm pretty sure they've more than paid for the work done on the roads as was their original intention...

Well, now there is new talk about raising the tolls.........YET AGAIN! Now...when all of the toll hikes first started, I'll admit I didn't really care. I lived on the South Shore and only paid the tolls maybe once every six months. Well...now I live on the North Shore and I work on the South Shore, so I have to pay this damn toll at least six times a week. SEVEN DOLLARS SIX TIMES A WEEK!!! THAT'S $2,184 A YEAR!!!

For the love of God, help all of us toll payers out!!! What the hell do they want from us?!?! We voted to keep the damn income tax in this state and they STILL up the tolls!!!

Help us out...you don't have to live on the North Shore to give a shit about the damn tolls. Anyone and everyone should be going to StopThePikeHike.org and throwing their names on the petition to try and prevent this. There's a whole bunch of stuff about rallies and crap that no one really cares about, and to be honest, I'm not going to go out there and freeze my ass off in East Boston to listen to a bunch of friggan hippies smoke pot and piss and moan about how the government is keeping them down...YOU DON'T EVEN OWN A CAR YA FREAKIN' GANJA BASTARD!!!...but I did throw my name on the petition and I ask that everyone else does, too. It probably won't make a difference and they'll probably hike the tolls anyway but at the very least, I'll know I wasted my time, and your as well, for a cause that no one really cares about...

...bastards.