Undeniable Truths

I've compiled a small list of undeniable truths that, I'm pretty sure, everyone can agree on. While my blogs are almost always opinion, this one can be viewed as full of facts. Off we go...

- Parents are raising a new generation of wussies. I thought the argument of whether or not it was ok to say "under God" while saying the pledge of allegiance was pretty ridiculous, but since that argument a few years ago, new and improved ignorance has surfaced. In the last couple days, a group of parents against bullying have attempted to get Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer taken off the air forever. Why? Because of the scene where Rudolph is "bullied" and laughed at by the other reindeer when the black covering falls off his nose and reveals his glowing red nose. That's right, folks, this family favorite is no longer about a loveable reindeer who overcomes his own insecurities and leads Santa to Christmas Eve victory by using his god-given beacon of truth to show the way through the bane of fog and rain...no, that's not the moral anymore. The new moral must be what we all missed while we were growing up. I must have missed the part where Rudolph gets laughed at, runs away in tears, plans mass homicidal revenge, and, after gunning down 35 reindeer at his old school, hangs himself in his garage. I missed that part growing up. So, thank you, new generational parents. Thank you. You're making it easier for my kid to kick your kid's ass.

-The oft-used phrase "There are two types of people in this world..." can be used for hundreds, nay, thousands, nay, dare I say, millions of possible combinations. Just because you came up with your own, doesn't mean you have an original idea. Original ideas are ideas that have NEVER been used before. Like the guy that invented the wheel, or shoes, or toilet paper. Not the guy/gal that came up with "There are two types of people in this world: people who are Irish and people who aren't" or the guy/gal that said "There are two types of people in this world: people who live and people who die". Those are not original thoughts. Those are stolen quotes using the wrong words. If I were to say, "There are two types of people in this world: people who like candy and people who don't", how is that original? How about "There are two types of people in this world: people that ride horseback naked on the beach during a full moon but only in December because it's cold out and it makes them feel more alive when they feel the negative degree weather combined with the splash of the cold ocean water on their private parts and people who don't", is that original? No, it's not. You know what that is? Stupid.

-Fifteen to twenty years ago when cell phone usage really started to erupt, cell phones were huge. And when I say huge, I mean in size. Bag phones, and car phones, and everyone remembers that huge brick phone that Zack Morris used to have in Saved by the Bell. In the following years, cell phones got small and smaller. Brick phones became "bar" phones and "flip" phones. Everything got smaller. By now, we all would have thought that phones would be much like Derek Zoolander's phone, roughly the size of a dime. But something happened. What you ask? I have no freaking idea, but phones are freaking HUGE again!!! A friend of mine walked by me the other day talking on his new smartphone and he looked like he was talking into in VHS cassette!! I've seen flat-screen tv's smaller than this phone. Look, I get the need for technology, and if a phone does more, it probably should be a little bigger in size. But, honestly...do I really have to look like Zack Morris walking through the halls of Bayside?

-Fire is hot.

-Water is wet.

-People that like the Yankees, Jets, or Canadiens suck........fact.

PEACE!!!

Society

On July 26, 2009 an accident occured on the New York Taconic State Parkway. A woman named Diane Schuler drove a mini-van owned by her brother the wrong way down the parkway at 85 miles an hour and killed herself and seven other people, including her daughter, Erin (2 years old), and nieces, Emma (8), Alyson (7), and Kate (5). Toxicology reports released days after the incident revealed that Diane Schuler was well beyond the legal limit for alcohol in her system, and also high at the time of the accident. A half drank bottle of alcohol was also found in the mini-van after the crash, which authorities stated explained the elevated alcohol levels in Ms. Schuler.

Fast forward to present day. Diane Schuler's husband, Daniel, has decided that it wasn't his wife's fault that the accident took place and has decided to sue the State of New York for negligence because he believes the state ""failed to properly mark and/or delineate the appropriate lanes" that would have prevented his wife from driving on the wrong side of the road. Mr. Schuler has also filed a separate lawsuit against his brother-in-law (who, remember, lost three kids of his own) because his brother-in-law owned the mini-van that Ms. Schuler was driving at the time of the accident. I guess somehow, it was the mini-van's fault, too.

Mr. Schuler...ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME?!?!?! What are you, retahded?!?! Your wife killed 8 people including herself, one of your kids, and three of your nieces and you're blaming everyone on the planet BUT HER?!?! She was drunk and high you dumb bastard!!!! She wasn't the perfect angel you're trying to portray her to be! She was a bitch that drank, smoked, drove and killed kids and complete strangers! Get your head out of your ass and start blaming the person that deserves it!

This is exactly what's wrong with this country. Its EXACTLY what's wrong with this country. No one ever wants to take the blame for being ignorant dick heads.

A woman walks into a coffee shop, orders a HOT COFFEE...dumps it on herself while she's driving and WINS HER LAWSUIT AGAINST THE COFFEE SHOP!! Her claim? She was surprised it was actually hot. WHAT THE F*CK?!?!?!

A man realizes that he is grossly obese. Suddenly he realizes that he's been going to McDonald's for two of the three meals a day, every day, for years. Is it his fault? NO!! Of course not!! He sues McDonald's and WINS!!! His claim? "They never explained to me what I was eating". What? Did you...did you really just say that? DID YOU THINK MCDONALD'S WAS HEALTHY YOU BIG DUMB BITCH?!?!

You freaking people knew exactly what you were doing all along. The people of this country need to start taking blame for their own f*ck ups and stop blaming everyone else for the fact that their laps are burned, or they're fat shits, or *gasp*...they have cancer from smoking for 30 YEARS!!! Its not the tobacco company's fault!! Its yours!! You picked up the cigarettes! You smoked three packs a day!! ITS YOUR FAULT!!! Its as much the tobacco company's fault, or McDonald's fault, or the coffee shop's fault, or the state of New York's fault as it is my shoe's fault. Oop, careful Jeff...your shoe will be sued next.

A woman once sued a television network because the weather person on the nightly news was wrong about the weather (oh, big shocker there) and she caught a cold. She won. DUMB ASS!

A man once filed a lawsuit against Anheuser-Busch for false advertising. His claim was that drinking their beer did not actually make girls in bikinis flock to his side. DUMB ASS!

A family once sued Coca-Cola because one of their relatives was killed while trying to steal a can of Coke by rocking a soda vending machine. The machine fell on him. DUMB ASS!

A man once sued the driver of a vehicle because the driver hit him and he claimed that the "rear-end collision" turned him gay. He won his case. DUMB ASS!

A woman once hit a snowmobile and killed the driver. The police said that she was NOT at fault for the accident because the snowmobile driver had darted out in front of her. The woman then sued the widow of the snowmobile driver for pain and suffering of watching the widow's husband die. DUMB ASS!

Stop the madness, grow up, take the damn blame.

Peace.

United States Government

The United States gonvernment CAN in fact be trusted. No, really, they can. I've compiled a small list of subjects in which they really shouldn't be trusted, but outside of this list, its perfectly fine. Here's my list of when NOT to trust the US government. When they're talking about:

The country's budget, terrorism, war, law, government, baseball, food, wrist watches, football, computers, Diet Coke, cell phones, iPhones, iPads, iPods, basketball, liquid white-out, oranges, little girls' hair styles, pavement, box cutters, criminal behavior, cb radios, retail businesses, weather, marriage, sex, drug and alcohol dependancy, Oprah, hockey, money, business cards, paper suppliers, left-handed scissors, smudge-proof ink, daytime tv, coffee, post-it notes, NCAA eligibility, freedom of speech, freedom of religion, underwear, languages, CCTV, golf, kidnapping, cat-napping, Windows Vista, water polo, white boards, black boards, chalk, acne, Jimmy Hoffa, chess, checkers, Minesweeper, anger, beauty, apples, boats, Nascar, little boys' hairstyles, Reebok, Nike, New Balance, Skechers, erasers, CIA, FBI, DEA, ATF, pencil shavings, microphones, that little piece of toilet paper that sticks to your butt after wiping, Ford, Chevy, Toyota, Saab, phone chargers, irony, art, sports drinks, video games, pornography, the Rocky box-set, music, rap (no, I don't consider that music), Alyssa Milano, full-serve/self-serve gas stations, Sprite, tea, iced tea, green tea, rice cakes, pants, shirts, ties, jackets, socks, fingernail clippings, Wal-Mart, typos, ring around the collar, five golden rings, bosses, Al Capone, linoleum flooring, aluminum siding, house prices, car prices, gas prices, milk prices, hooker prices, school, pole dancing, gender realization, homosexuality, gum, equal rights, racism, sexism, agism, theology, scientology, sociology, biology, Whitey Bulger, scotch tape, alarm systems, Boston accents, hunters, mages, paladins, legal drinking age, legal blood alcohol level, elevators, times of crisis, Entertainment Weekly, hurricanes, tornadoes, potatoes, tomatoes, tacos, McDonalds, Burger King, phlegm when you're really thirsty, lisps, lists describing when not to trust the government, earthquakes, sink holes, Homer Simpson, Peter Griffin, Fred Flintstone, nipples, condoms, emergency exits, snow plows, The Crying Game, the three branches of the federal government, Bill Gates, fine dining, bed sets, interior decorating, fonts, birthdays, holidays, Presidents' Day, Flag Day, Independence Day (the movie, not the 4th of July), the 4th of July, bootlegging, eye color, my hair style, facial hair, Lori Dernier's baseball team preference, workers' compensation, all 50 states and Puerto Rico, that feeling you get when you're JUST about to sneeze but then can't so your nose starts to hurt and your eyes water and everyone around you thinks you're a wuss because you're crying for no reason, clip boards, clip art, clip-on ties, blogs, Facebook, Twitter, the entire internet, sports betting, fire, smoking, careers, procreation, abortion, the death penalty, Microsoft Word, the value of pie, the value of pi, chicken marsala, Jell-O, HTML, mailboxes, the US Postal Service, UPS, FedEX, credit cards, credit debt, mandatory drug testing, pressing '1' for English, health benefits, short term diability, long term disability, STD's, speeding, speed, crack, cocaine, Colombian drug lords, organized crime, the argument of whether or not Roberto Luongo regrets his comments regarding Tim Thomas, the age-old argument still plaguing the world today of 'great taste' or 'less filling', the Statue of Liberty, the statute of limitations, Mandarin Chinese, Cantonese Chinese, Taiwanese Chinese, customer service, cherry pies, flowers, national security, whether or not Tiger Woods is black, dust, mud, manure, photography, pens, rulers, measuring tapes, whether or not my bologna has a last name, garden salad, chicken salad, egg salad, egg white omelettes, and world peace.

Other than when they're talking about those subjects, its perfectly acceptable to trust the United States government.

Trust on, my friends. PEACE!!!

Life's Minor Annoyances...

I have compiled a small list of annoying phrases that I hear just far too often. Everyone knows them. The phrases that you hear that make your fists tighten and your butthole pucker. The phrases that make you fake smile at the delivery person with an inner feeling of homicidal rage…well…annoyance, anyway. Off we go…

“Having fun yet?”
No one ever asks this if you’re ACTUALLY having fun so you’re only asking to be an asshole. STFU.

“Pahk my cah in Hahvahd Yahd”
Holy shit, if I hear this one more time I’m going to stab myself in the heart with a number 8 pencil just as a ‘screw you’ to the SAT administrators. Anyone from Boston knows that if you don’t have the Boston accent, you’ll never have the Boston accent and you just sound like a freakin’ moron trying to do it…that and anyone worth a crap knows you can’t “pahk in Hahvahd Yahd” anyway so you’re only being an asshole. STFU.

“Just sayin’”
No one’s ever “just sayin’”…if you follow something you just said with “just sayin’” then chances are pretty good you’re just trying to cover your ass because you just said something that was offensive and you’re probably an asshole. STFU.

“Smile, it can only get better.”
No…it can ALWAYS get worse. Doesn’t matter what happened, it can ALWAYS get worse. Break your leg? Still have one more to break. Get into a car accident? Get sued by the other driver. Get kicked in the jublees? Well…no I guess it doesn’t get much worse than that other than having them cut off, but you get the point. It can ALWAYS get worse and chances are you’re an asshole. STFU.

“Men are from Mars and women are from Venus”
No, most men are from Sportgunsteakpornoville, also known as Earth and most women are from the magical world of dancing fairies…otherwise known as Earth. We just have different views. We’re not from different planets and your metaphor makes me think you’re an asshole. STFU.

“Hate is such a strong word”
Yes it is. That’s why I used it, asshole. STFU.

“Have a nice day!”
Has anyone else noticed that this once polite farewell is most commonly used, at this point, to portray sarcasm and a subtle “go f**k yourself”? You don’t want me to have a nice day. You want me to drive my car off a bridge, asshole. STFU.

“Kill them with kindness”
I disagree. Kill them with a bus, asshole. STFU.

That’ll do it for me…for now. I welcome all annoying phrases. Show me what you’ve got…

One Last Attempt...

Ok ladies...as much as I've tried to give you insight to the male brain, there still seems to be a lot of confusion. Actually, I'm not really sure if its confusion or if you're still just trying to control every man you see (understandably so), but I'm going to stick with the assumption that its confusion...so here's my One Last Attempt in three easy categories...



1. Food:



Without a doubt, the most important part of a man's life. To hell with kids (not really), to hell with women (sorry), to hell with cars, sports, and sex (sorry). THE MOST IMPORTANT thing in a man's life is food. And good food, not any kind of food. Sure, every now and again a man likes to partake in a Twinkie or a Slim Jim, but our main love? Beeeeeeeeeeffff.

The biggest mistake a woman makes is trying to mess with a man's diet. There is not a man alive (save a select, ball-less few) that wants to eat steamed carrots and cabbage. What in the name of God are you thinking?! You know what makes cabbage good? CORNED BEEF! Know what would make steamed carrots good? If you stuff them into a 72 ounce porter house steak, wrap it in bacon, and deep fry the f*cker. THAT'S what makes a man happy. Stop messing with our diets.



(These next two categories contain borrowed information with a great Jeff G. twist. Enjoy)



2. Talking:



One of the biggest mistakes a woman can make is just talking too much. Especially during a sporting event. Now, this might upset some of you women reading this right now, but I assure you, that's not my intention. I'm trying to help....kind of. Anyway, so when most women tell men something, they really don't just say it. They say it, and then say it again in a different way, and then say it again the same way as the first time, and then say it again a third way, and then say it again the same way they said it the second time, and then say it again a completely new way, and then, just for good measure, say it one more time the same exact way before waiting an hour to start all over again.
A little part of me dies everytime I see this happen. Its not because the man has no interest in what the woman's saying. Its not because the man doesn't love her. Its because after the second time, he can't hear you anymore. Its physically impossible for him to hear you anymore. You know why? Because, to him, you now sound like a f*cking helicopter landing in the distance. All he can hear is "dit dit dit dit dit dit dit dit dit dit dit". Stop talking. Actually...scratch that...don't stop talking. Talk as much as you want...but here's a tip to hold his interest: Every now and then, throw in a word that interests him just to keep it from becoming white noise. For example:

"You know, Honey, I asked you three times to take out the trash...beer...if I have to ask you again, I'm going to get upset...boobies...now PLEASE take the trash out...steak...before my mom gets here!"

It really is that simple. No....really.

3. Travel:

There is not one person in this world that doesn't know that a man does NOT want to stop and ask for directions. Well, I've figured out why...if you're driving along, and you realize you're lost, and your man absolutely refuses to stop and ask for directions...then chances are pretty damn good he has NO interest in getting to where you're taking him!! Do you honestly think he would have a problem asking for directions if you were going to a bar or a sports stadium?! Hell no!! But why, in the name of all that is holy, would you EVER think he'd ask for directions to the antiquie show?! Or the flower show?! Or Bed, Bath and Beyond?!
However...even to this problem, there is a solution. If you're going somewhere and you know he doesn't want to be there, get him a GPS. That solves two problems: He won't HAVE to ask for directions to get there, and he'll get to play with his new toy and probably won't mind going as much. Just a little tip.

God speed to y'all!!

Stalkers...

So, most of you probably saw my Facebook status regarding love songs of today...and I guess not just of today, but songs of late are going to be my main focus...

So for about the past 5 or 10 years, I've noticed a very disturbing trend among pop "love" songs...EVERYONE THAT WRITES A LOVE SONG IS A FREAKIN' STALKER!!! The latest one I've heard is by some Gaga Girl called Paparazzi. The chorus you ask? "I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me". Ho...ly...shit. You're going to follow me around until I love you? I'm sorry, are you a paparazzi photographer or are you a F***ING STALKER?!?! Don't follow me woman. Don't follow anyone. I'm pretty sure I got your name wrong but I saw pictures of you at the MTV Video Awards and I think if anyone ever sees you following them they're going to shoot-to-kill...I know I would.

The worst part about these songs is that this ISN'T THE WORST ONE! There is a minor debate about what could possibly the worst "stalker" song of all time. There are the old timers of the world that defend songs such as "I'll Never Stop Loving You" by Doris Day and "Little Darlin'" by The Diamonds (oh come on..."Little darlin' oh where are you"?!?!)....and to those people, I say hold true to your beliefs...you know why? Because the songs of this generation are F***ED UP! Let's for one second forget about the Gaga Lady and talk about Clay Aiken..."If I was invisible then I could just watch you in your room"...duuuuude...whaaaaaaat?!?!?!?! Who was the stupid jack-ass that let that guy believe that singing about hiding and watching someone in their room was ok?!?!?! Think about it!! There is no "I love you " undertone to that song!!! He's a psycho!! He wants to watch you in your room while he's invisible!! What the hell is he doing there?! I sure as shit don't recall that big black guy on American Idol singing crap like that!!

"Now everybody from the 313, put your motherf***ing hands up and follow me....everybody from the 313 put your motherf***ing hands up..."

Moving on to the next song that no woman in the world should ever want dedicated to them...Enrique freakin' Iglesias-you know, the son of the ever popular Julio-singing the absolute epitome of stalker songs. How many remember this: "You can run, you can hide, but you can't escape my love". Ok, so let me get this straight...you love me, but no matter how fast I run away from you, or change my name to avoid you, I can't escape you because you're out of your damn mind...ok, got it. Thanks for that. Remind me to avoid further contact with latino men that can't sing but make money off of their father's name. PSYCHO!!!

What is it with songs today? And why do people attack rap or rock? Shit, at least their saying straight out what they're thinking! Rappers sing about "raping a ho"...I'm not saying I agree with it but at least they're being honest. Rockers sing about "snortin' the coke and blowin' shit up"...again, not my idea of a good time, however, at least they're being honest. These pop stars aren't being honest!! They're claiming that they're stating "I love you" when what they're really saying is "I'm out of my freakin' mind and if I can't have you, no one will". Come on people!! They're insane!!

That and Clay Aiken should be bitch slapped from here to next Wednesday...I really hate that guy.

Take is as you will...peace.

Advertisements...

So I've always wondered...what would happen if we put a normal, everyday person into the commercials that we see on tv all the time? A normal person, kind of like...oh, I don't know...me. What would happen if you put me into the commercials that we see all the time? Let's analyze this one...




How many of you have seen the commercials in which there's just some random person in a supermarket that dumps grape juice on some poor sap's white shirt to demonstrate some kind of laundry detergent? Let's put me in this one...





Detergent guy (DG) dumps grape juice on my white, Red Sox jersey.

Me: "Dude!! What the (BLEEP) was that for?!?!

DG: "Sir, let me show you..."

Me: "Show me what, mother (BLEEP)er?! You just dumped (BLEEP)ing grape juice on my (BLEEP)ing shirt!!!"

DG: "Sir! Our new detergent will show us that that grape juice is nothing more than..."

Me: "Shut (BLEEP) the up you (BLEEP)ing (BLEEP)!!! You (BLEEP)ing ruined my (BLEEP)ing shirt!!! I'll (BLEEP)ing kill you, you (BLEEP)ing (BLEEP)!!!!!!!"

DG: "My good sir, I promise you that our new and improved laundry detergent will, no doubt, be able to cleanse your white shirt completely clear of that grape juice stain."

Me: "You better (BLEEP)ing hope so, mother (BLEEP)er!!! I'll jam that (BLEEP)ing bottle up your (BLEEP) so far you'll be (BLEEP)ing soap for a (BLEEP)ing month, mother (BLEEP)er!!!"


After several minutes and numerous attempts to clean my shirt...


DG: "Sir, I'm quite sorry. We've never had a problem getting stains out before."

Me: "MOTHER (BLEEP)ER!!! WHAT THE (BLEEP)! YOU (BLEEP)ING (BLEEP) YOU MOTHER (BLEEP)ING (BLEEP)!!! I'M GOING TO (BLEEP)ING KILL YOU, YOU DUMB (BLEEP)!!"

DG: "Sir, I..."

Me: "(BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP)!!!!!







That one's fair...but what about a commercial in which nothing happened to any piece of apparel. What if you put me in a commercial with the late, great Billy Mays and I was watching something he was trying to sell...



Billy: "Watch how this Oxy-Clean gets out even the toughest of stains!"

Me: "No it doesn't. I've tried it. It doesn't do any more than normal bleach does."

Billy: "Sure it does, Jeff! Just watch the Oxy-Clean work on this work shirt!"

Me: "Billy, dude, you just poored beach sand on that shirt. I watched you. Water would get that dirt off, never mind your Oxy-Clean."

Billy: (teeth clenched) "No, Jeff...this is motor oil! Its nearly impossible to get out of fabric!" Just watch how the Oxy-Clean breaks up the stain!"

Me: "Uh...Billy...I love that you have ESPN commercials now, but that ain't motor oil. Its sand. I could piss that dirt off the shirt."

Billy: pulling me asied "Ok, listen mother(bleep)er...Oxy (bleep)ing Clean ain't nothing but mother(bleep)ing dish detergent, but it pays the mother(bleep)ing bills so shut the (bleep) up and sell the (bleep)ing (bleep), got it?"

Me: "Sure Billy."

Billy: (bleep) I hate my (bleeping) job.





How about a sales pitch that I don't agree with...



Bob Villa: "Here at Sear's, Craftsman tools are the absolute greatest. With a lifetime warantee, you can't go wrong."

Me: "Hey, Bobby, the reason there's a lifetime waran-(bleeing)ing-tee is because the (bleep)ing things are so (bleep)ing cheap, Craftsman can afford to keep replacing them."

Bob Villa: "Well, that's just not true, Jeff! Craftsman tools are so fantastic that I have three hundred and nineteen sets of them! I love them so much that would trade them in for my childrens' lives! I'm a Craftsman freak!!! I love Craftsman!! CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN...."

Me:.........well, I don't actually say anything to this psycho anymore........I just kick him in the d*ck to attempt a reset on his psychotic brain.

Last one...

Does anyone actually think I'd be a good movie critic? I've often wondered...

Reviewing a new movie with Roger Ebert:

Me: "Oh, I found the movie to be painfully boring. The action scenes were not only horrendously palpable, but also ridiculously foreseeable. The movie was about 3 and a half hours long and it was incontestably 3 hours too long. The actors were guileless and seemed to be just running through the motions of your typical action piece of junk."

Roger Ebert: "I disagree. I found it to be quite enjoyable with just the right amount of..."

Me: "(BLEEP) you Roger..."

The moral? Keep Jeff off television...it'd be far too entertaining...

Peace...