Two Thousand and Sixteen

Ah, two thousand and sixteen. You bitch. You started the year off by killing David Bowie, introducing the Zika Virus, and letting that fucking walking drive-in movie screen forehead, Peyton Manning, win Superbowl 50. You’d think after that disastrous start you’d at least have the decency to take your foot off the gas, but nooooooooooooooo. There was more feuding between Mr. and Mrs. Kanye West and Taylor Swift, some crap about Katy Perry being Jon Benet Ramsey (yes, that Jon Benet Ramsey), weird ass people is weird ass fucking clown suits, Corey Feldman in one of the worst dance numbers I’ve ever seen (Drake’s Hotline Bling notwithstanding), Pokemon GO, a gorilla named Harambe, Donald Trump actually WINNING the United States presidential election, celebrity deaths upon celebrity deaths upon celebrity deaths upon celebrity deaths, mass bombings, refugees and the never-ending argument about them, Brexit, the Flint Michigan water crisis, Obama visiting Hiroshima, the Orlando nightclub (Pulse) shooting killing at least 50, terrorism in France, Cleveland wins the NBA Championship, the Cubs win the World Series, Samsung Galaxy Notes exploding, and of course the 30 something people killed in a California warehouse fire. This is just a small sampling of the shit you just continued to shovel onto us, 2016. And you know the worst part? It’s not even all of these things I just listed…the absolute worst fucking part is that everyone is offended by it all. Everyone is offended by everything. Stand for the national anthem, kneel for the national anthem, sit for the national anthem, doing fucking cartwheels while naked during the national anthem…it really doesn’t matter because SOMEone will be offended by it. 2016, you just seemed to bring out all the offended people, ever. Offended by songs and tweets and kids movies. People being offended by people being offended. Wait, what? YES! People are actually calling for apologies because they’re offended by other people that were offended by other things. College students that need “quiet time” coloring because Trump won the election, and others holding “cry-in” protests. Cry-in protests. I beg all of you to picture the face I’m making right now. There was even a college protest at Oberlin that all grades below a C be abolished. Nice try, asswads. I don’t get it. When did everyone start believing that life should be handed to them on a silver platter with an apology for all the bad shit that’s happened? I wish I could say that I’m indifferent to all of these ridiculous people but they’re the ones that made 2016 as difficult as it was. My own personal demons aside, 2016 was a tough year to swallow. I’m not even talking about the celebrity deaths at this point. I’m talking about all of the stupid people with whom I’m forced to share my air. The useless wastes of space that invented the “participation trophy” and then got offended when people disagreed. No no no, wait, you can get offended and I should just shut up and not disagree with it? Talk about a one way street. I’m glad I’m not easily offended because, to be honest, I don’t think I could have handled it all this past year. I have a very small piece of advice for all the people offended by every little thing: SHUT UP!!! No, literally…shut up. Stop talking. No…no, stop. No one cares about what you have to say anymore.

It’s our turn. The people that actually understand the way world works and has always worked. The people that deal with offensive things every day and don’t go around complaining and whining and crying about it. 2016 sucked…and it wasn’t even 2016’s fault. And here lies my challenge…make 2017 better. People will die. People will be shot, bombed, stabbed, bullied, offended, heard, silenced, and everything in between. People will be violent and the innocent will suffer. But only time and people can prevent that. It can’t happen January 1^st or 2^nd or February or July…it’s going to take time but it can happen. I’m not asking you to smile at strangers or give money to charity. I’m asking you to step up. Make 2017 better for you, your family, your friends, and ONE person you don’t know. Just one. Stand up for someone being bullied. Step in and pay for something when a mom of four screaming kids can’t find her wallet at the grocery store. Say something when you should. Do something when you should. Don’t stand by and let shit ass people take over the world. Don’t turn and look the other way when something should be done. Make 2017 better. Grab it by the goddamn balls, look it in the eye, and stick a firecracker in its cockhole. Fuck 2017 and all of its offensive, evil, violent, mind-boggling plans. Kick it right in the dick. That’s my plan. I hope you all find the time to join me. #make2017better

And now, to all of those we lost in 2016; Pat Harrington Jr., 86, Keith Emerson, 71, Phife Dawg, 45, Mike Minor, 75, David Bowie, 69, Sir George Martin, 90, Alan Rickman, 69, Kevin Meaney, 60, René Angélil, 73, Dan Haggerty, 74, Abe Vigoda, 94, George Kennedy, 91, Pat Conroy, 70, Joey Feek, 40, Garry Shandling, 66, Patty Duke, 69, Zaha Hadid, 65, James Noble, 94, Bob Elliott, 92, Merle Haggard, 79, Daisy Lewellyn, 36, Doris Roberts, 90, Chyna, real name Joan Marie Laurer, 46,Prince, 57, Billy Paul, 80, Jon Polito, 65, Gordie Howe, known as “Mr. Hockey,” 88, Muhammad Ali, 74, George Gaynes, 98, Anton Yelchin, 27, Bernie Worrell, 72, Bill Cunningham, 87, Frank Sinatra Jr., 72, Bud Spencer, 86, Buddy Ryan, 85, Pat Summitt, 64, Elie Wiesel, 87, Michael Cimino, 77, Michu Meszaros, 77, Gene Wilder, 83, Anna Dewdney, 50, Ken Howard, 71, Alexis Arquette, 47, Kimbo Slice, Jean Shepard, 82, Jose Fernandez, 24, Arnold Palmer, 87, Leonard Cohen, 82, Robert Vaughn, 83, Leon Russell, 74, Florence Henderson, 82, Joseph Mascolo, 87, Fritz Weaver, 90, Dave Mirra, 41, Van Williams, 82, William Schallert, 93, Andrew Sachs, 86, George Alaskey, 63, Alan Young, 96, Alan Thicke, 69, Bernard Fox, 89, Craig Sager, 65, Ricky Harris, 54, Zsa Zsa Gabor, 99, Richard Adams, 96, George Michael, 53, Carrie Fisher, 60, Debbie Reynolds, 84, and the many, many more I didn’t list, may you all rest in peace.

Happy new year, all.

Lawsuits

You know what bothers me the most about America today? Sure, there are lot of things you could talk about. Poverty, unemployment, healthcare, tuition costs…it’s all bad. But the worst thing? The absolute WORST thing!! These fucking people that think they deserve something for nothing. Now, I’m not talking about welfare. I’m not talking about refugee support or illegal alien support and any other crap this country has fucked itself into. I’m talking about Lawsuit Larry. Those fucking people that have no idea what personal accountability means. They walk into Walmart, pick up a pot off the shelf to look at it, lose their grip, drop on their foot breaking a toe, and then sue Walmart for it. They dropped it on their own fucking foot and are now suing Walmart because somehow Walmart was responsible for their fucking fat, sweaty, tobacco covered, McDonald’s fries grease ridden hands losing their fucking grip on a pot. You fucking asshole.

There’s nothing left in this country when some cock can sue Red Bull because it didn’t actually give him wings and a court of law proceeded with it. We’re living in a country that the rest of world hates, not because we’re full of ourselves, or fat, or lazy (well, maybe a little because we’re lazy) but because we’re whiney little fucktards that feel so entitled to get something for doing absolutely nothing that if ANY one dares to say the word “no” to us, we’ll go whine and cry to anyone that will fucking listen. News outlets. Social media. Lawyers. I used to hate lawyers. I thought they were the scum of the earth for some of the things they do. But then I realized; it’s not their fault. That’s their job. It’s their fucking clients’ fault. These fucking people that just can’t seem to get a grip and accept that something could POSSIBLY be their fault. These people that suddenly whine and cry to anyone that will listen when they fell over their own nine inch, platform, knee-high boots on a dry concrete floor. It couldn’t possibly be their fault, it MUST be the fault of company that clearly does a good job of maintaining a clean and dry floor that you couldn’t figure out how to fucking walk on. God forbid someone tells this “patron” that it was her fault. She might get offended and give a shit Yelp review because she fell on her ass.

Hey look, I’m all for corporate accountability. If it’s their fault, then it’s their fault. But how about some personal accountability, too. The fact that I have to suffer through commercial after commercial after commercial for personal injury lawyers makes me want to stab myself in the fucking face. “Did your doctor try to save your life? SUE HIM!” Christ, this country is just full of entitled little fairies. Hell, I’ll probably get sued for writing this. Some fuckass will get offended because he sued someone sometime about something and he feels I was talking directly to him when I said “whiney little fucktard”. You know what, pal? I was. Take it and shove it in your prissy little ass.

Fuckers.