Undeniable Truths

I've compiled a small list of undeniable truths that, I'm pretty sure, everyone can agree on. While my blogs are almost always opinion, this one can be viewed as full of facts. Off we go...

- Parents are raising a new generation of wussies. I thought the argument of whether or not it was ok to say "under God" while saying the pledge of allegiance was pretty ridiculous, but since that argument a few years ago, new and improved ignorance has surfaced. In the last couple days, a group of parents against bullying have attempted to get Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer taken off the air forever. Why? Because of the scene where Rudolph is "bullied" and laughed at by the other reindeer when the black covering falls off his nose and reveals his glowing red nose. That's right, folks, this family favorite is no longer about a loveable reindeer who overcomes his own insecurities and leads Santa to Christmas Eve victory by using his god-given beacon of truth to show the way through the bane of fog and rain...no, that's not the moral anymore. The new moral must be what we all missed while we were growing up. I must have missed the part where Rudolph gets laughed at, runs away in tears, plans mass homicidal revenge, and, after gunning down 35 reindeer at his old school, hangs himself in his garage. I missed that part growing up. So, thank you, new generational parents. Thank you. You're making it easier for my kid to kick your kid's ass.

-The oft-used phrase "There are two types of people in this world..." can be used for hundreds, nay, thousands, nay, dare I say, millions of possible combinations. Just because you came up with your own, doesn't mean you have an original idea. Original ideas are ideas that have NEVER been used before. Like the guy that invented the wheel, or shoes, or toilet paper. Not the guy/gal that came up with "There are two types of people in this world: people who are Irish and people who aren't" or the guy/gal that said "There are two types of people in this world: people who live and people who die". Those are not original thoughts. Those are stolen quotes using the wrong words. If I were to say, "There are two types of people in this world: people who like candy and people who don't", how is that original? How about "There are two types of people in this world: people that ride horseback naked on the beach during a full moon but only in December because it's cold out and it makes them feel more alive when they feel the negative degree weather combined with the splash of the cold ocean water on their private parts and people who don't", is that original? No, it's not. You know what that is? Stupid.

-Fifteen to twenty years ago when cell phone usage really started to erupt, cell phones were huge. And when I say huge, I mean in size. Bag phones, and car phones, and everyone remembers that huge brick phone that Zack Morris used to have in Saved by the Bell. In the following years, cell phones got small and smaller. Brick phones became "bar" phones and "flip" phones. Everything got smaller. By now, we all would have thought that phones would be much like Derek Zoolander's phone, roughly the size of a dime. But something happened. What you ask? I have no freaking idea, but phones are freaking HUGE again!!! A friend of mine walked by me the other day talking on his new smartphone and he looked like he was talking into in VHS cassette!! I've seen flat-screen tv's smaller than this phone. Look, I get the need for technology, and if a phone does more, it probably should be a little bigger in size. But, honestly...do I really have to look like Zack Morris walking through the halls of Bayside?

-Fire is hot.

-Water is wet.

-People that like the Yankees, Jets, or Canadiens suck........fact.

PEACE!!!

Society

On July 26, 2009 an accident occured on the New York Taconic State Parkway. A woman named Diane Schuler drove a mini-van owned by her brother the wrong way down the parkway at 85 miles an hour and killed herself and seven other people, including her daughter, Erin (2 years old), and nieces, Emma (8), Alyson (7), and Kate (5). Toxicology reports released days after the incident revealed that Diane Schuler was well beyond the legal limit for alcohol in her system, and also high at the time of the accident. A half drank bottle of alcohol was also found in the mini-van after the crash, which authorities stated explained the elevated alcohol levels in Ms. Schuler.

Fast forward to present day. Diane Schuler's husband, Daniel, has decided that it wasn't his wife's fault that the accident took place and has decided to sue the State of New York for negligence because he believes the state ""failed to properly mark and/or delineate the appropriate lanes" that would have prevented his wife from driving on the wrong side of the road. Mr. Schuler has also filed a separate lawsuit against his brother-in-law (who, remember, lost three kids of his own) because his brother-in-law owned the mini-van that Ms. Schuler was driving at the time of the accident. I guess somehow, it was the mini-van's fault, too.

Mr. Schuler...ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME?!?!?! What are you, retahded?!?! Your wife killed 8 people including herself, one of your kids, and three of your nieces and you're blaming everyone on the planet BUT HER?!?! She was drunk and high you dumb bastard!!!! She wasn't the perfect angel you're trying to portray her to be! She was a bitch that drank, smoked, drove and killed kids and complete strangers! Get your head out of your ass and start blaming the person that deserves it!

This is exactly what's wrong with this country. Its EXACTLY what's wrong with this country. No one ever wants to take the blame for being ignorant dick heads.

A woman walks into a coffee shop, orders a HOT COFFEE...dumps it on herself while she's driving and WINS HER LAWSUIT AGAINST THE COFFEE SHOP!! Her claim? She was surprised it was actually hot. WHAT THE F*CK?!?!?!

A man realizes that he is grossly obese. Suddenly he realizes that he's been going to McDonald's for two of the three meals a day, every day, for years. Is it his fault? NO!! Of course not!! He sues McDonald's and WINS!!! His claim? "They never explained to me what I was eating". What? Did you...did you really just say that? DID YOU THINK MCDONALD'S WAS HEALTHY YOU BIG DUMB BITCH?!?!

You freaking people knew exactly what you were doing all along. The people of this country need to start taking blame for their own f*ck ups and stop blaming everyone else for the fact that their laps are burned, or they're fat shits, or *gasp*...they have cancer from smoking for 30 YEARS!!! Its not the tobacco company's fault!! Its yours!! You picked up the cigarettes! You smoked three packs a day!! ITS YOUR FAULT!!! Its as much the tobacco company's fault, or McDonald's fault, or the coffee shop's fault, or the state of New York's fault as it is my shoe's fault. Oop, careful Jeff...your shoe will be sued next.

A woman once sued a television network because the weather person on the nightly news was wrong about the weather (oh, big shocker there) and she caught a cold. She won. DUMB ASS!

A man once filed a lawsuit against Anheuser-Busch for false advertising. His claim was that drinking their beer did not actually make girls in bikinis flock to his side. DUMB ASS!

A family once sued Coca-Cola because one of their relatives was killed while trying to steal a can of Coke by rocking a soda vending machine. The machine fell on him. DUMB ASS!

A man once sued the driver of a vehicle because the driver hit him and he claimed that the "rear-end collision" turned him gay. He won his case. DUMB ASS!

A woman once hit a snowmobile and killed the driver. The police said that she was NOT at fault for the accident because the snowmobile driver had darted out in front of her. The woman then sued the widow of the snowmobile driver for pain and suffering of watching the widow's husband die. DUMB ASS!

Stop the madness, grow up, take the damn blame.

Peace.

United States Government

The United States gonvernment CAN in fact be trusted. No, really, they can. I've compiled a small list of subjects in which they really shouldn't be trusted, but outside of this list, its perfectly fine. Here's my list of when NOT to trust the US government. When they're talking about:

The country's budget, terrorism, war, law, government, baseball, food, wrist watches, football, computers, Diet Coke, cell phones, iPhones, iPads, iPods, basketball, liquid white-out, oranges, little girls' hair styles, pavement, box cutters, criminal behavior, cb radios, retail businesses, weather, marriage, sex, drug and alcohol dependancy, Oprah, hockey, money, business cards, paper suppliers, left-handed scissors, smudge-proof ink, daytime tv, coffee, post-it notes, NCAA eligibility, freedom of speech, freedom of religion, underwear, languages, CCTV, golf, kidnapping, cat-napping, Windows Vista, water polo, white boards, black boards, chalk, acne, Jimmy Hoffa, chess, checkers, Minesweeper, anger, beauty, apples, boats, Nascar, little boys' hairstyles, Reebok, Nike, New Balance, Skechers, erasers, CIA, FBI, DEA, ATF, pencil shavings, microphones, that little piece of toilet paper that sticks to your butt after wiping, Ford, Chevy, Toyota, Saab, phone chargers, irony, art, sports drinks, video games, pornography, the Rocky box-set, music, rap (no, I don't consider that music), Alyssa Milano, full-serve/self-serve gas stations, Sprite, tea, iced tea, green tea, rice cakes, pants, shirts, ties, jackets, socks, fingernail clippings, Wal-Mart, typos, ring around the collar, five golden rings, bosses, Al Capone, linoleum flooring, aluminum siding, house prices, car prices, gas prices, milk prices, hooker prices, school, pole dancing, gender realization, homosexuality, gum, equal rights, racism, sexism, agism, theology, scientology, sociology, biology, Whitey Bulger, scotch tape, alarm systems, Boston accents, hunters, mages, paladins, legal drinking age, legal blood alcohol level, elevators, times of crisis, Entertainment Weekly, hurricanes, tornadoes, potatoes, tomatoes, tacos, McDonalds, Burger King, phlegm when you're really thirsty, lisps, lists describing when not to trust the government, earthquakes, sink holes, Homer Simpson, Peter Griffin, Fred Flintstone, nipples, condoms, emergency exits, snow plows, The Crying Game, the three branches of the federal government, Bill Gates, fine dining, bed sets, interior decorating, fonts, birthdays, holidays, Presidents' Day, Flag Day, Independence Day (the movie, not the 4th of July), the 4th of July, bootlegging, eye color, my hair style, facial hair, Lori Dernier's baseball team preference, workers' compensation, all 50 states and Puerto Rico, that feeling you get when you're JUST about to sneeze but then can't so your nose starts to hurt and your eyes water and everyone around you thinks you're a wuss because you're crying for no reason, clip boards, clip art, clip-on ties, blogs, Facebook, Twitter, the entire internet, sports betting, fire, smoking, careers, procreation, abortion, the death penalty, Microsoft Word, the value of pie, the value of pi, chicken marsala, Jell-O, HTML, mailboxes, the US Postal Service, UPS, FedEX, credit cards, credit debt, mandatory drug testing, pressing '1' for English, health benefits, short term diability, long term disability, STD's, speeding, speed, crack, cocaine, Colombian drug lords, organized crime, the argument of whether or not Roberto Luongo regrets his comments regarding Tim Thomas, the age-old argument still plaguing the world today of 'great taste' or 'less filling', the Statue of Liberty, the statute of limitations, Mandarin Chinese, Cantonese Chinese, Taiwanese Chinese, customer service, cherry pies, flowers, national security, whether or not Tiger Woods is black, dust, mud, manure, photography, pens, rulers, measuring tapes, whether or not my bologna has a last name, garden salad, chicken salad, egg salad, egg white omelettes, and world peace.

Other than when they're talking about those subjects, its perfectly acceptable to trust the United States government.

Trust on, my friends. PEACE!!!