Stalkers...

So, most of you probably saw my Facebook status regarding love songs of today...and I guess not just of today, but songs of late are going to be my main focus...

So for about the past 5 or 10 years, I've noticed a very disturbing trend among pop "love" songs...EVERYONE THAT WRITES A LOVE SONG IS A FREAKIN' STALKER!!! The latest one I've heard is by some Gaga Girl called Paparazzi. The chorus you ask? "I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me". Ho...ly...shit. You're going to follow me around until I love you? I'm sorry, are you a paparazzi photographer or are you a F***ING STALKER?!?! Don't follow me woman. Don't follow anyone. I'm pretty sure I got your name wrong but I saw pictures of you at the MTV Video Awards and I think if anyone ever sees you following them they're going to shoot-to-kill...I know I would.

The worst part about these songs is that this ISN'T THE WORST ONE! There is a minor debate about what could possibly the worst "stalker" song of all time. There are the old timers of the world that defend songs such as "I'll Never Stop Loving You" by Doris Day and "Little Darlin'" by The Diamonds (oh come on..."Little darlin' oh where are you"?!?!)....and to those people, I say hold true to your beliefs...you know why? Because the songs of this generation are F***ED UP! Let's for one second forget about the Gaga Lady and talk about Clay Aiken..."If I was invisible then I could just watch you in your room"...duuuuude...whaaaaaaat?!?!?!?! Who was the stupid jack-ass that let that guy believe that singing about hiding and watching someone in their room was ok?!?!?! Think about it!! There is no "I love you " undertone to that song!!! He's a psycho!! He wants to watch you in your room while he's invisible!! What the hell is he doing there?! I sure as shit don't recall that big black guy on American Idol singing crap like that!!

"Now everybody from the 313, put your motherf***ing hands up and follow me....everybody from the 313 put your motherf***ing hands up..."

Moving on to the next song that no woman in the world should ever want dedicated to them...Enrique freakin' Iglesias-you know, the son of the ever popular Julio-singing the absolute epitome of stalker songs. How many remember this: "You can run, you can hide, but you can't escape my love". Ok, so let me get this straight...you love me, but no matter how fast I run away from you, or change my name to avoid you, I can't escape you because you're out of your damn mind...ok, got it. Thanks for that. Remind me to avoid further contact with latino men that can't sing but make money off of their father's name. PSYCHO!!!

What is it with songs today? And why do people attack rap or rock? Shit, at least their saying straight out what they're thinking! Rappers sing about "raping a ho"...I'm not saying I agree with it but at least they're being honest. Rockers sing about "snortin' the coke and blowin' shit up"...again, not my idea of a good time, however, at least they're being honest. These pop stars aren't being honest!! They're claiming that they're stating "I love you" when what they're really saying is "I'm out of my freakin' mind and if I can't have you, no one will". Come on people!! They're insane!!

That and Clay Aiken should be bitch slapped from here to next Wednesday...I really hate that guy.

Take is as you will...peace.

Advertisements...

So I've always wondered...what would happen if we put a normal, everyday person into the commercials that we see on tv all the time? A normal person, kind of like...oh, I don't know...me. What would happen if you put me into the commercials that we see all the time? Let's analyze this one...




How many of you have seen the commercials in which there's just some random person in a supermarket that dumps grape juice on some poor sap's white shirt to demonstrate some kind of laundry detergent? Let's put me in this one...





Detergent guy (DG) dumps grape juice on my white, Red Sox jersey.

Me: "Dude!! What the (BLEEP) was that for?!?!

DG: "Sir, let me show you..."

Me: "Show me what, mother (BLEEP)er?! You just dumped (BLEEP)ing grape juice on my (BLEEP)ing shirt!!!"

DG: "Sir! Our new detergent will show us that that grape juice is nothing more than..."

Me: "Shut (BLEEP) the up you (BLEEP)ing (BLEEP)!!! You (BLEEP)ing ruined my (BLEEP)ing shirt!!! I'll (BLEEP)ing kill you, you (BLEEP)ing (BLEEP)!!!!!!!"

DG: "My good sir, I promise you that our new and improved laundry detergent will, no doubt, be able to cleanse your white shirt completely clear of that grape juice stain."

Me: "You better (BLEEP)ing hope so, mother (BLEEP)er!!! I'll jam that (BLEEP)ing bottle up your (BLEEP) so far you'll be (BLEEP)ing soap for a (BLEEP)ing month, mother (BLEEP)er!!!"


After several minutes and numerous attempts to clean my shirt...


DG: "Sir, I'm quite sorry. We've never had a problem getting stains out before."

Me: "MOTHER (BLEEP)ER!!! WHAT THE (BLEEP)! YOU (BLEEP)ING (BLEEP) YOU MOTHER (BLEEP)ING (BLEEP)!!! I'M GOING TO (BLEEP)ING KILL YOU, YOU DUMB (BLEEP)!!"

DG: "Sir, I..."

Me: "(BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP)!!!!!







That one's fair...but what about a commercial in which nothing happened to any piece of apparel. What if you put me in a commercial with the late, great Billy Mays and I was watching something he was trying to sell...



Billy: "Watch how this Oxy-Clean gets out even the toughest of stains!"

Me: "No it doesn't. I've tried it. It doesn't do any more than normal bleach does."

Billy: "Sure it does, Jeff! Just watch the Oxy-Clean work on this work shirt!"

Me: "Billy, dude, you just poored beach sand on that shirt. I watched you. Water would get that dirt off, never mind your Oxy-Clean."

Billy: (teeth clenched) "No, Jeff...this is motor oil! Its nearly impossible to get out of fabric!" Just watch how the Oxy-Clean breaks up the stain!"

Me: "Uh...Billy...I love that you have ESPN commercials now, but that ain't motor oil. Its sand. I could piss that dirt off the shirt."

Billy: pulling me asied "Ok, listen mother(bleep)er...Oxy (bleep)ing Clean ain't nothing but mother(bleep)ing dish detergent, but it pays the mother(bleep)ing bills so shut the (bleep) up and sell the (bleep)ing (bleep), got it?"

Me: "Sure Billy."

Billy: (bleep) I hate my (bleeping) job.





How about a sales pitch that I don't agree with...



Bob Villa: "Here at Sear's, Craftsman tools are the absolute greatest. With a lifetime warantee, you can't go wrong."

Me: "Hey, Bobby, the reason there's a lifetime waran-(bleeing)ing-tee is because the (bleep)ing things are so (bleep)ing cheap, Craftsman can afford to keep replacing them."

Bob Villa: "Well, that's just not true, Jeff! Craftsman tools are so fantastic that I have three hundred and nineteen sets of them! I love them so much that would trade them in for my childrens' lives! I'm a Craftsman freak!!! I love Craftsman!! CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN...."

Me:.........well, I don't actually say anything to this psycho anymore........I just kick him in the d*ck to attempt a reset on his psychotic brain.

Last one...

Does anyone actually think I'd be a good movie critic? I've often wondered...

Reviewing a new movie with Roger Ebert:

Me: "Oh, I found the movie to be painfully boring. The action scenes were not only horrendously palpable, but also ridiculously foreseeable. The movie was about 3 and a half hours long and it was incontestably 3 hours too long. The actors were guileless and seemed to be just running through the motions of your typical action piece of junk."

Roger Ebert: "I disagree. I found it to be quite enjoyable with just the right amount of..."

Me: "(BLEEP) you Roger..."

The moral? Keep Jeff off television...it'd be far too entertaining...

Peace...

Spring Fever...

What is Spring Fever? Is it good? Does it have pros? Is it bad? Does it have cons? Does it effect everyone?

The web definition of Spring Fever is as follows:
A term applied to several sets of physical and psychological symptoms associated with the arrival of spring. In general it refers to an increase in energy, vitality and particularly sexual appetite, often particularly strong in those suffering from Seasonal affective disorder (SAD)[1] and thus experiencing lows during the winter months. In some uses however it refers to the opposite, an unexpected loss of energy with the onset of spring

Now I'm a pretty smart guy but I don't have the patience to figure all that crap out so let's see if we can't break it down...

Spring Fever...it either makes you horny or it makes you tired. Simple enough? I thought so, too. Until, of course, it was explained to me that Spring Fever is the reason I've been in such a good mood as of late. Much like the way I was feeling when I SWORE that the girl I saw at work was a friend of mine so I gave her a little "tickle poke" in the side...well...it wasn't her. And much to this young lady's delight, I realized this as her large, biker boyfriend was walking out of one of the room settings in the showroom...he wasn't happy and I firmly believe that if I didn't have the power of speech to talk my way out of it, he would've happily ground me into a fine powder before taking his girlfriend out for a Big Cookie at Uno's (honorable mention). I think that story would constitute a con of Spring Fever. However...I think a pro is that for some reason I felt playful enough to risk reaction. Oh well...hindsight is 20/20. And all things considered...at least I still have all my teeth and won't be sucking any meals through a straw.

I don't fully understand the power of Spring Fever. I thought I was in a good mood recently because I finally made it out onto the golf course and had a "decent" day out there. If I could golf in January, I think I'd feel the same way.

I don't know much about feeling tired once the Spring hits so I can't really touch on that side of it except to say to the people that suddenly feel tired when the nice weather hits, "YOU'VE BEEN PISSING AND MOANING ABOUT WINTER FOR THE LAST FOUR MONTHS!! ITS BEAUTIFUL OUTSIDE! GET YOUR LAZY ASS OFF THE COUCH!!!"

Other explanations for feelings during the first few weeks of Spring are restlessness, intense nervous excitement, high-energy spurts, loss of appetite, insomnia, a yearning to break away, or a desire, as one writer put it, "to run away with mad love". Now I don't know what that last one means but it sounds like fun so someone sign me up.

What is Spring Fever? Does it even exist or is it just a cheap cop-out explanation for something? Anyone?

Ponder that one...

Stay safe all. Happy Spring...

This and That...

So let's clear some things up here...



Here's a little insight into what people really mean when they say certain things. Let's go:


-When someone says "I'm just a neat freak" they actually mean "I'm extremely neurotic and if you drop something on the floor I'll kill you."


-When someone says "I love nature" they actually mean "I'm a hippie; someone shoot me."


-When a guy says "No, Sweetie, I have no problem with you going to get dinner with your ex-boyfriend. I trust you" he actually means "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"


-When a woman says "No, Sweetie, I have no problem with you going to get dinner with your ex-girlfriend. I trust you" she actually means "If you go out with that skank, I will sleep with every one of your friends"


-When a husband says "Sure, Hon, we can get the Kia for better gas mileage" he actually means "Well we already have three kids anyway...I guess the loss of my penis for driving that piece of crap won't matter much"


-When a wife says "Sure, Hon, we can get the Mustang for some fun" she actually means "If you buy that f***ing thing I will sleep with every one of your friends"


-When a father says "New boyfriend, huh? Yeah sure bring him over" he actually means "OH COME ON!!!!!"


-When a mother says "New boyfriend, huh? Well, don't let your father find out" she actually means.......well........she probably means exactly that.


-When bosses say "Yeah, sure! You deserve a vacation!" they actually mean "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!"


-When a barber says "Oops" he actually means "Have you thought about shaving your head? That look is in this year"


-When a doctor says "Oops"..................just run; it doesn't matter what he means.


-When a mechanic says "Don't worry. Its not that bad. Maybe a couple hundred bucks" he actually means "I'm going to need some collateral for this loan you're about to take out"


-When a used car salesman says "This here's a beaut! Only one owner and 'taken care of'" he actually means "Yeah some wanna be race car driver owned this thing. He beat the crap out of it and it probably won't last much longer"


-When a lady in a dress shop says "Oh my you look heavenly in that color" she actually means "Damn!! Your ass is huge!!"


-When a fortune teller says "You will be hit with a large amount of luck" she actually means "Duck"


-When a guy says "Honey, I'm only going to the strip club for Joe's bachelor party. I won't even look" he actually means "BOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIES!!"


-When a woman says "Honey, I'm only going to the strip club for Jane's bachelorette party. I won't even look" she actually means "Back off ya fat ass...if you're lucky I'll come home riled up"


-When a waiter in a snotty restaurant says "Oh yes sir. I'll bring your coffee right over" he actually means "Would you like urine with that?"


Keep on keeping on....peace.

Back by popular demand...

TOP FORTY RULES FROM MEN TO WOMEN


40. Learn to work the toilet seat: We need it up, you need it down...if it's up put it down.

39. Don't cut your hair....................ever.

38. Birthdays, Valentines Day, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again.

37. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

36. Sometimes he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

35. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, golf, the designated hitter rule, or monster trucks.

34. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

33. We're not going to tell you you're fat so stop asking us.

32. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

31. Shopping is not a sport.

30. Anything you wear is fine...................really.

29. You have enough clothes.

28. You have too many shoes.

27. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

26. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your Dad probably is too.

25. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

24. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

23. Peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

22. Most guys own two or three pairs of shoes -- What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to any question.

20. A headache that lasts for 13 months is a problem. See a doctor.

19. Your mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

18. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

17. Check your oil.

16. Don't give us 50 rules when 10 will do.

15. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

14. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.

13. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

12. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

11. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

10. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we appreciate how pretty you are?

9. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.

8. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

7. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

6. Women wearing Wonder Bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

5. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

4. Telling us that the female models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazine.

3. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

2. We see only sixteen colors. Like Windows default...ie: peach and plum are not colors...they're fruit.

AND FINALLY, THE NUMBER ONE RULE:

1. Using our tools for a reasons outside their intended use is illegal and may be punishable by death.

Apathy...

**WARNING!!! If you enjoy reality tv shows, you may not enjoy this blog entry!!!**



...But I don't really care...



People with a sick pension to watch every single reality show on tv should be shot. If you enjoy reality tv...that's one thing and its bad enough, but if you literally plan your week around every reality show on every station, you may want to consider counseling. From Real World to Hell's Kitchen to Survivor to Surreal Life to Rock of Love to Intervention to that new piece of crap that focuses mainly on celebrities with drug problems....what in the hell?!?! Is there really no enjoyment left in fiction?! They've officially done a reality tv show on every aspect of life that can possibly be done!!! THEY'VE EVEN MADE SEQUELS TO THESE CRAPPY VERSIONS OF REAL LIFE!!!



I have some advice for the reality tv junkies.......GET A LIFE!!! Your life cannot honestly be that bad that you have to watch other people's crumble!!



In lies my solution.......ready? Here we go:



Turn on the tv...go ahead, I'll wait...



Ok, now turn on some reality tv show based on the overweight celebrities of the eighties...it can't be that hard to find, there are about 37 of them...now, the next time one of the celebrities starts whining about how difficult their life has been because they made millions of dollars and pissed it all away on cigarettes and Twinkies, I want you to close your eyes...take a deep breath...and scream, "I............DON'T...............CARE!!!!"



I DON'T CARE!!! I DON'T CARE!!! I DON'T CARE!!! Who in the hell cares about this shit?!?! These people had it all and its their fault that they're in the position that they're in!!!



Dustin Diamond (yes folks, Screech) made his millions on one of the dumbest shows in tv history. It was fiction, it was corny, it had probably some of the worst plot lines in tv history, but everyone watched it. Everyone enjoyed it. Well.........Screech lost it all. I saw Screech on tv in some telethon in an effort to keep his house. This, of course, was shortly before he was seen on VH1 on that overweight celebrity show in which he damn near got his ass kicked by some real life drill sergeant. Screech..............I'M NOT PAYING FOR YOUR MILLION DOLLAR MANSION BECAUSE YOU PISSED AWAY YOUR FORTUNE ON STUPID SHIT!!! AND I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR WHINING ABOUT IT EITHER!!!



I don't care about the problems that these people have!!! Shit if I drive down the street and the guy in front of me blows a tire and has to pull over to change it...I DON'T CARE ABOUT HIS TIRE!!! WHY IN THE F**K SHOULD I CARE ABOUT SOME WHINEY LITTLE CELEBRITY THAT LIKES TO GET HIGH ON WHIPPED CREAM GAS AND PAINT THINNER BECAUSE HIS CAREER HAS GONE NOWHERE?!?!?!



Now I tried watching some of the reality shows of history. I watched an episode of Survivor...and once I realized that all the producers of the show cared about was the gay guy that just wanted to walk around naked collecting fire wood....I changed the damn station!!! WHO CARES?!?!?! I tried an episode of the Real World. Then, as far as I could tell, all that was happening was some cowboy decided he didn't like the black girl of the house, so....I changed the damn station!!! WHO CARES?!?!?! American Idol..........oh don't even get me started on this shit show.......Simon needs a boot to the face.......English prick. And what the hell is up with the black guy? I don't think one person comes through that he doesn't call "dog".....oops, sorry....."dawg". WHO CARES?!?!?!



Reality shows suck. But I'm going to jump on the band wagon and I'm going to write my own. I'm going to come up with my own reality tv show and all I'm going to do is get six people to live in a house together and I'm going to pay them to fight. That's all they're going to do. Fight. There aren't going to be any challenges, there aren't going to be any prizes, there aren't going to be any goals. They're going to wake up in the morning, eat, fight, drink, and go to sleep. And its going to be called "Six Fat, Drugged-Out Snapper Heads That No One Gives a Crap About But They Fight A Lot So People Watch Anyway". And you know what? YOU'LL ALL WATCH!!!! Why?!?! WHO THE HELL KNOWS?!?! BUT YOU WILL!!!



F**king reality shows. Bring back A-Team...





Peace.

Superheroes...

Superheroes....

Would the world be better off with them or are we better off without them? Let's talk about this for a second...what better way to spend a snowy Sunday morning than to ponder such important topics?

I figure there are a lot of pros and cons to superheroes actually being real. The ultimate pro obviously being the hot women in tight clothes or next to nothing that could toss me around like a rag doll. On the other side of that, the ultimate con would be men in tight clothes or next to nothing that could toss me around like a rag doll. You have to take the good with the bad, I guess. But what about the less than obvious pros and cons?

Sure, superheroes would be extremely helpful for the crime in society. Who, other than the obvious psychos, would honestly try to rob a bank with guys like Superman around? You have to doubt the validity of the Superman movies...if he was actually real, there is no way in hell there would be as much crime as Superman fights in those movies. To take that a step further, Superman would probably be bored off his skull sitting around doing nothing because of the lack of crime simply because of his existence. But what about Batman? He can't get around like Superman can. If you see a news report that Batman is currently fighting crime in New York...just rob a bank in Boston!!! Batman wouldn't be able to get there in time! Hell, he probably wouldn't even know about it until he read it in the paper the next day. Useless S.O.B., that one.

But other than the big crimes...would you be able to hire superheroes for your own personal reasons if they existed? If I was in a contest for a team swim, could I throw Aquaman a grand to anchor the team? What about a foot race? Would the Flash be available? What if it wasn't a contest? What if I had an annoying neighbor that I wanted to beat down? Everyone has at least one....you know who I'm talking about...that crazy guy that shovels his driveway in July for no reason and the only meal he really enjoys is a paste he makes out of Miracle Whip and Pixie Stix...would a superhero be willing to be paid to beat on him a little bit until he's a little more sane? A superhero like........say.........Green Lantern?

If superheroes existed solely for crime fighting purposes, then the likelihood of needing so many would be pretty stupid. Especially since the men outnumber the women about three to one. Wonder Woman? Bring it on. Green Hornet.......dude just stay home.....we all know you'd be nothing without Kato anyway.

Side note: While we're talking about green superheroes.....I used to be pretty sure that Aquaman was the most useless of all superheroes......if you happen to be robbed while under the ocean, you'll be all set but other than that....you're pretty screwed. However, I now have a new opinion...Aquaman has taken the number two spot for most useless superheroes....number one? The Green Arrow. What the f*ck is this guy's issue? He shoots a bow and arrow....wow. Could you imagine trying to steal a purse in downtown L.A. and suddenly some guy in green tights and a Peter Pan hat comes out of nowhere and threatens you with a bow and arrow? Dude......what the f*ck....

Anyway, in my humble yet over exaggerated opinion.....unless a superhero would be willing to fight crime WHILE being on the take for certain selfish errands.....there's no real reason for them to exist........unless its Dream Girl from Marvel comics........growl......

PEACE!!!!

Baseball...

It has been brought to my attention that there are quite a few of you out there that find it hard to believe that I have nothing to say about how the baseball off-season has played out so far. How do I feel about the Red Sox trading Coco Crisp? What do I think about the Yankees spending nearly a half billion dollars on three free agent players? What was my first thought when the Yankees signed Teixeira instead of the Sox? What about the Rays making moves while the Red Sox sit pretty idle? What are my predictions for the 2009 season? Will the Sox compete or miss the playoffs? (I love this one) Will the Cubs ever win a World Series? Is there a chance that the Phillies can repeat?


Well....let me start by saying this to everyone that has asked me questions about the upcoming baseball season: I am under the firm belief that you are giving my psychic abilities FAR too much credit. Simply put; I have no freakin' idea. I'm a Red Sox fan first and a baseball fan second. In my opinion, if I live for another fifty years, I will see at least 46 more Red Sox championships. That's what I think. Realistic? HELL NO! But I'm a Sox fan and for some reason we love to torture ourselves more than those crazy bastards that walk across hot coals or sleep on beds made of nails.


I don't have the first clue if the Cubs will ever win the World Series. Based solely on the fact that they are the Cubs, I would have to say no, but what the hell do I know.....there is no baseball outside of Boston. The Phillies? Well, let me put it this way...being the first team in baseball to 10,000 losses is BAD thing, not a good thing. Congratulations on your feat. Here's to 10,000 more. Teixeira? F*ck him. I hope he trips over Derek Jeter and they both break their necks. Then, just for good measure, I hope A-Rod just falls off something. I don't care what it is. Just fall and hurt something.



Baseball is life. Its the reason a lot of people trudge through the winter without killing anyone (other than football). I love the game and I love the Red Sox, but I'm not all knowing and all seeing. If you have a question about the Red Sox or about the rules of the game, I'm your guy. But don't ask me if the Kansas City Royals will ever climb out of the cellar. Why? Because I don't know, and to be honest, I don't really care.



As soon as the baseball season ends in October, I only look forward to one thing: pitchers and catchers reporting. And what better day for them to report this year than the day of undying love. Valentine's Day baby. I love it.

I'm a hometown boy. I love the fact that the Pats are always in the mix, the Celtics are winners again, the Bruins are finally back in business, the Boston College teams are running strong, and anything else in Titletown. But I'm a Red Sox fan first. Once that season starts, everything else ends.

Spring Training reporter: "Where do the Red Sox rank in terms of importance in your life?"
Jimmy Fallon (as Ben the School Teacher): "I say the Red Sox.....sex.....and breathing."


Let's go Sox.

My Finances...

You know, I probably don't have the hardest job in the world. Hell I know people with jobs tougher than mine. A very good friend of mine drives a trash truck. That can't be easy. My brother is a carpenter. I think he's lost more fingernails due to hammer impact than anyone else in history. There are jobs much tougher than mine everywhere. I know this. I do, however, work hard. What my job lacks in physical necessity it more than makes up for in stress levels. I put a lot of hours in, I deal with quite a bit of crap, and most of the time I'm forced to deal with certain levels of problems even on my days off. Needless to say, I certainly work hard for my money.

And what I hate to a level I can't even describe is the people that are looking for hand outs. I'm not just talking about the friends that are too lazy to get a job so every week they're looking for another twenty bucks so they can pick up beer. Yeah, that aggravates me, but I'm talking about these people on tv that aren't selling anything but everlasting life.

Now, let's get one thing straight here...if I walk down the street and I see some leg-less, homeless bum sitting on the curb, drinking water out of an old boot because the leather makes it taste like whiskey, while he's sitting next to what he considers to be his best friend but is, in fact, a pink boo-boo bunny that he stole from some little girl in the park that just wanted her head to feel better, then yeah......I'm going to give this guy something. He needs it. And I don't really care what he spends it on. Food, alcohol, tobacco.....whatever. Whatever makes him happy. He's probably made some poor choices in life and now he has to pay for it by living on the streets. Let the bastard buy whatever he wants. But if you're some jerk-off that has his own tv and radio show....if you have on a three piece suit that, more than likely, costs more than my whole wardrobe.....if you're just some ass bag mo-fo that's preaching that you need my money so you can make another payment on your 2009 Lexus, then you can kiss my ass.

That's right folks!!! I speak of the ultra-hated televangelist. This same ass-clown that tells me one day that I should send all of my money to him so I can have a place at the right hand of God, is the same shit head that tells me the next day that money can't buy me happiness. Are you kidding me? So let me get this straight....money can't buy me love, respect, honor, caring, or happiness....but it can buy me a seat in Heaven? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FREAKIN' MIND?!?! WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT IS THAT?!?! What about the poor people out there? Are they doomed to an eternity of damnation because they can't afford to send you money after paying rent and buying food? How about the people that have never seen your show?! Are they all screwed because they're not awake at three in the morning to watch your show?! I'm not really sure it should be their fault!!! They don't even know you're on!!! I'd be willing to bet every penny I make for the rest of my life that those people wouldn't give a crap if they DID know you were on. You still wouldn't get their money.

I understand some people believe in that type of stuff. I understand that its a question of faith. I also understand that most of the people that believe in that and send their money to the televangelist are the same people that barely have a pot to piss in. Not only that, but they're more than likely the same people that have an uncle in rehab, a nephew in a wheel chair, a sister with some incurable muscle disorder, and a freakin' cat with three legs. I'm not sure they have any reason to believe, but they still do. I've got some advice for them............

KEEP YOUR MONEY!!!!!!! Buy your cat a fake leg and your Uncle Remus a bottle of Wild Turkey. He's more fun when he's drunk anyway. Stop sending your money to these people. Hold onto it. Enjoy it while you're here. Let your actions speak for the afterlife....not your money.

DAMN THE MAN!!!!!!