I have compiled a small list of annoying phrases that I hear just far too often. Everyone knows them. The phrases that you hear that make your fists tighten and your butthole pucker. The phrases that make you fake smile at the delivery person with an inner feeling of homicidal rage…well…annoyance, anyway. Off we go…
“Having fun yet?”
No one ever asks this if you’re ACTUALLY having fun so you’re only asking to be an asshole. STFU.
“Pahk my cah in Hahvahd Yahd”
Holy shit, if I hear this one more time I’m going to stab myself in the heart with a number 8 pencil just as a ‘screw you’ to the SAT administrators. Anyone from Boston knows that if you don’t have the Boston accent, you’ll never have the Boston accent and you just sound like a freakin’ moron trying to do it…that and anyone worth a crap knows you can’t “pahk in Hahvahd Yahd” anyway so you’re only being an asshole. STFU.
“Just sayin’”
No one’s ever “just sayin’”…if you follow something you just said with “just sayin’” then chances are pretty good you’re just trying to cover your ass because you just said something that was offensive and you’re probably an asshole. STFU.
“Smile, it can only get better.”
No…it can ALWAYS get worse. Doesn’t matter what happened, it can ALWAYS get worse. Break your leg? Still have one more to break. Get into a car accident? Get sued by the other driver. Get kicked in the jublees? Well…no I guess it doesn’t get much worse than that other than having them cut off, but you get the point. It can ALWAYS get worse and chances are you’re an asshole. STFU.
“Men are from Mars and women are from Venus”
No, most men are from Sportgunsteakpornoville, also known as Earth and most women are from the magical world of dancing fairies…otherwise known as Earth. We just have different views. We’re not from different planets and your metaphor makes me think you’re an asshole. STFU.
“Hate is such a strong word”
Yes it is. That’s why I used it, asshole. STFU.
“Have a nice day!”
Has anyone else noticed that this once polite farewell is most commonly used, at this point, to portray sarcasm and a subtle “go f**k yourself”? You don’t want me to have a nice day. You want me to drive my car off a bridge, asshole. STFU.
“Kill them with kindness”
I disagree. Kill them with a bus, asshole. STFU.
That’ll do it for me…for now. I welcome all annoying phrases. Show me what you’ve got…
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Friday, May 7, 2010
One Last Attempt...
Ok ladies...as much as I've tried to give you insight to the male brain, there still seems to be a lot of confusion. Actually, I'm not really sure if its confusion or if you're still just trying to control every man you see (understandably so), but I'm going to stick with the assumption that its confusion...so here's my One Last Attempt in three easy categories...
1. Food:
Without a doubt, the most important part of a man's life. To hell with kids (not really), to hell with women (sorry), to hell with cars, sports, and sex (sorry). THE MOST IMPORTANT thing in a man's life is food. And good food, not any kind of food. Sure, every now and again a man likes to partake in a Twinkie or a Slim Jim, but our main love? Beeeeeeeeeeffff.
The biggest mistake a woman makes is trying to mess with a man's diet. There is not a man alive (save a select, ball-less few) that wants to eat steamed carrots and cabbage. What in the name of God are you thinking?! You know what makes cabbage good? CORNED BEEF! Know what would make steamed carrots good? If you stuff them into a 72 ounce porter house steak, wrap it in bacon, and deep fry the f*cker. THAT'S what makes a man happy. Stop messing with our diets.
(These next two categories contain borrowed information with a great Jeff G. twist. Enjoy)
2. Talking:
One of the biggest mistakes a woman can make is just talking too much. Especially during a sporting event. Now, this might upset some of you women reading this right now, but I assure you, that's not my intention. I'm trying to help....kind of. Anyway, so when most women tell men something, they really don't just say it. They say it, and then say it again in a different way, and then say it again the same way as the first time, and then say it again a third way, and then say it again the same way they said it the second time, and then say it again a completely new way, and then, just for good measure, say it one more time the same exact way before waiting an hour to start all over again.
A little part of me dies everytime I see this happen. Its not because the man has no interest in what the woman's saying. Its not because the man doesn't love her. Its because after the second time, he can't hear you anymore. Its physically impossible for him to hear you anymore. You know why? Because, to him, you now sound like a f*cking helicopter landing in the distance. All he can hear is "dit dit dit dit dit dit dit dit dit dit dit". Stop talking. Actually...scratch that...don't stop talking. Talk as much as you want...but here's a tip to hold his interest: Every now and then, throw in a word that interests him just to keep it from becoming white noise. For example:
"You know, Honey, I asked you three times to take out the trash...beer...if I have to ask you again, I'm going to get upset...boobies...now PLEASE take the trash out...steak...before my mom gets here!"
It really is that simple. No....really.
3. Travel:
There is not one person in this world that doesn't know that a man does NOT want to stop and ask for directions. Well, I've figured out why...if you're driving along, and you realize you're lost, and your man absolutely refuses to stop and ask for directions...then chances are pretty damn good he has NO interest in getting to where you're taking him!! Do you honestly think he would have a problem asking for directions if you were going to a bar or a sports stadium?! Hell no!! But why, in the name of all that is holy, would you EVER think he'd ask for directions to the antiquie show?! Or the flower show?! Or Bed, Bath and Beyond?!
However...even to this problem, there is a solution. If you're going somewhere and you know he doesn't want to be there, get him a GPS. That solves two problems: He won't HAVE to ask for directions to get there, and he'll get to play with his new toy and probably won't mind going as much. Just a little tip.
God speed to y'all!!
1. Food:
Without a doubt, the most important part of a man's life. To hell with kids (not really), to hell with women (sorry), to hell with cars, sports, and sex (sorry). THE MOST IMPORTANT thing in a man's life is food. And good food, not any kind of food. Sure, every now and again a man likes to partake in a Twinkie or a Slim Jim, but our main love? Beeeeeeeeeeffff.
The biggest mistake a woman makes is trying to mess with a man's diet. There is not a man alive (save a select, ball-less few) that wants to eat steamed carrots and cabbage. What in the name of God are you thinking?! You know what makes cabbage good? CORNED BEEF! Know what would make steamed carrots good? If you stuff them into a 72 ounce porter house steak, wrap it in bacon, and deep fry the f*cker. THAT'S what makes a man happy. Stop messing with our diets.
(These next two categories contain borrowed information with a great Jeff G. twist. Enjoy)
2. Talking:
One of the biggest mistakes a woman can make is just talking too much. Especially during a sporting event. Now, this might upset some of you women reading this right now, but I assure you, that's not my intention. I'm trying to help....kind of. Anyway, so when most women tell men something, they really don't just say it. They say it, and then say it again in a different way, and then say it again the same way as the first time, and then say it again a third way, and then say it again the same way they said it the second time, and then say it again a completely new way, and then, just for good measure, say it one more time the same exact way before waiting an hour to start all over again.
A little part of me dies everytime I see this happen. Its not because the man has no interest in what the woman's saying. Its not because the man doesn't love her. Its because after the second time, he can't hear you anymore. Its physically impossible for him to hear you anymore. You know why? Because, to him, you now sound like a f*cking helicopter landing in the distance. All he can hear is "dit dit dit dit dit dit dit dit dit dit dit". Stop talking. Actually...scratch that...don't stop talking. Talk as much as you want...but here's a tip to hold his interest: Every now and then, throw in a word that interests him just to keep it from becoming white noise. For example:
"You know, Honey, I asked you three times to take out the trash...beer...if I have to ask you again, I'm going to get upset...boobies...now PLEASE take the trash out...steak...before my mom gets here!"
It really is that simple. No....really.
3. Travel:
There is not one person in this world that doesn't know that a man does NOT want to stop and ask for directions. Well, I've figured out why...if you're driving along, and you realize you're lost, and your man absolutely refuses to stop and ask for directions...then chances are pretty damn good he has NO interest in getting to where you're taking him!! Do you honestly think he would have a problem asking for directions if you were going to a bar or a sports stadium?! Hell no!! But why, in the name of all that is holy, would you EVER think he'd ask for directions to the antiquie show?! Or the flower show?! Or Bed, Bath and Beyond?!
However...even to this problem, there is a solution. If you're going somewhere and you know he doesn't want to be there, get him a GPS. That solves two problems: He won't HAVE to ask for directions to get there, and he'll get to play with his new toy and probably won't mind going as much. Just a little tip.
God speed to y'all!!
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