How many of you have seen the commercials in which there's just some random person in a supermarket that dumps grape juice on some poor sap's white shirt to demonstrate some kind of laundry detergent? Let's put me in this one...
Detergent guy (DG) dumps grape juice on my white, Red Sox jersey.
Me: "Dude!! What the (BLEEP)
DG: "Sir, let me show you..."
Me: "Show me what, mother (BLEEP)
DG: "Sir! Our new detergent will show us that that grape juice is nothing more than..."
Me: "Shut (BLEEP) the
DG: "My good sir, I promise you that our new and improved laundry detergent will, no doubt, be able to cleanse your white shirt completely clear of that grape juice stain."
Me: "You better (BLEEP)
After several minutes and numerous attempts to clean my shirt...
DG: "Sir, I'm quite sorry. We've never had a problem getting stains out before."
Me: "MOTHER (BLEEP)
DG: "Sir, I..."
Me: "(BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP)!!!!!
That one's fair...but what about a commercial in which nothing happened to any piece of apparel. What if you put me in a commercial with the late, great Billy Mays and I was watching something he was trying to sell...
Billy: "Watch how this Oxy-Clean gets out even the toughest of stains!"
Me: "No it doesn't. I've tried it. It doesn't do any more than normal bleach does."
Billy: "Sure it does, Jeff! Just watch the Oxy-Clean work on this work shirt!"
Me: "Billy, dude, you just poored beach sand on that shirt. I watched you. Water would get that dirt off, never mind your Oxy-Clean."
Billy: (teeth clenched) "No, Jeff...this is motor oil! Its nearly impossible to get out of fabric!" Just watch how the Oxy-Clean breaks up the stain!"
Me: "Uh...Billy...I love that you have ESPN commercials now, but that ain't motor oil. Its sand. I could piss that dirt off the shirt."
Billy: pulling me asied "Ok, listen mother(bleep)er...Oxy (bleep)ing Clean ain't nothing but mother(bleep)ing dish detergent, but it pays the mother(bleep)ing bills so shut the (bleep) up and sell the (bleep)ing (bleep), got it?"
Me: "Sure Billy."
Billy: (bleep) I hate my (bleeping) job.
How about a sales pitch that I don't agree with...
Bob Villa: "Here at Sear's, Craftsman tools are the absolute greatest. With a lifetime warantee, you can't go wrong."
Me: "Hey, Bobby, the reason there's a lifetime waran-(bleeing)ing-tee is because the (bleep)ing things are so (bleep)ing cheap, Craftsman can afford to keep replacing them."
Bob Villa: "Well, that's just not true, Jeff! Craftsman tools are so fantastic that I have three hundred and nineteen sets of them! I love them so much that would trade them in for my childrens' lives! I'm a Craftsman freak!!! I love Craftsman!! CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN CRAFTSMAN...."
Me:.........well, I don't actually say anything to this psycho anymore........I just kick him in the d*ck to attempt a reset on his psychotic brain.
Last one...
Does anyone actually think I'd be a good movie critic? I've often wondered...
Reviewing a new movie with Roger Ebert:
Me: "Oh, I found the movie to be painfully boring. The action scenes were not only horrendously palpable, but also ridiculously foreseeable. The movie was about 3 and a half hours long and it was incontestably 3 hours too long. The actors were guileless and seemed to be just running through the motions of your typical action piece of junk."
Roger Ebert: "I disagree. I found it to be quite enjoyable with just the right amount of..."
Me: "(BLEEP) you Roger..."
The moral? Keep Jeff off television...it'd be far too entertaining...
Peace...
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