Life's Minor Annoyances...

I have compiled a small list of annoying phrases that I hear just far too often. Everyone knows them. The phrases that you hear that make your fists tighten and your butthole pucker. The phrases that make you fake smile at the delivery person with an inner feeling of homicidal rage…well…annoyance, anyway. Off we go…

“Having fun yet?”
No one ever asks this if you’re ACTUALLY having fun so you’re only asking to be an asshole. STFU.

“Pahk my cah in Hahvahd Yahd”
Holy shit, if I hear this one more time I’m going to stab myself in the heart with a number 8 pencil just as a ‘screw you’ to the SAT administrators. Anyone from Boston knows that if you don’t have the Boston accent, you’ll never have the Boston accent and you just sound like a freakin’ moron trying to do it…that and anyone worth a crap knows you can’t “pahk in Hahvahd Yahd” anyway so you’re only being an asshole. STFU.

“Just sayin’”
No one’s ever “just sayin’”…if you follow something you just said with “just sayin’” then chances are pretty good you’re just trying to cover your ass because you just said something that was offensive and you’re probably an asshole. STFU.

“Smile, it can only get better.”
No…it can ALWAYS get worse. Doesn’t matter what happened, it can ALWAYS get worse. Break your leg? Still have one more to break. Get into a car accident? Get sued by the other driver. Get kicked in the jublees? Well…no I guess it doesn’t get much worse than that other than having them cut off, but you get the point. It can ALWAYS get worse and chances are you’re an asshole. STFU.

“Men are from Mars and women are from Venus”
No, most men are from Sportgunsteakpornoville, also known as Earth and most women are from the magical world of dancing fairies…otherwise known as Earth. We just have different views. We’re not from different planets and your metaphor makes me think you’re an asshole. STFU.

“Hate is such a strong word”
Yes it is. That’s why I used it, asshole. STFU.

“Have a nice day!”
Has anyone else noticed that this once polite farewell is most commonly used, at this point, to portray sarcasm and a subtle “go f**k yourself”? You don’t want me to have a nice day. You want me to drive my car off a bridge, asshole. STFU.

“Kill them with kindness”
I disagree. Kill them with a bus, asshole. STFU.

That’ll do it for me…for now. I welcome all annoying phrases. Show me what you’ve got…