Never...

Never, EVER say to a woman...



..."But your sister liked it like this."

..."Less talkie, more booby."

..."Wow Honey, your roomate is really cute."

..."DAMN! Did you see that butt?!?"

..."Are you kidding me? MY boobs are bigger than yours are."

..."Have you put on weight?"

..."Hey Honey! What was the number for that male enlargement pill?"

..."OK! YES! She was attractive but I wouldn't have a shot with her so stop worrying."

..."Are you on your period? Because you're being really bitchy."

..."Oh man, Babe, my new secretary is HOT!"

..."Don't worry about it. I'll be home before dawn."

..."Where's the credit card? I found a new porn site I want to try out."

..."Those pants really make your butt look big."

(let me reiterate)..."Those pants really make your butt look big."

..."I think your dad is gay."

..."I think your brother is gay."

..."I think you may have turned me gay."

..."Any chance you're bi-sexual?"

..."Oprah sucks."

..."Absolutely you can change your own oil! You can use my tools!"

..."It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again."

..."Did you fart?"

..."I just farted."

..."Sweetie, your best friend's wedding isn't all that important. I mean, isn't this her fourth?"

..."Can I put those pictures of you on my MySpace page?"

..."So I was talking to (insert any guy's name here) today about our problems."

..."Oh God! I've slept with a LOT more people than you have!"

..."Oh come on! You KNOW you've slept with more people than that!"

..."Are you crazy? This shirt cost me eight bucks!"


There are many, many more but if I sit and write them all, it'll probably just bore me and then I'll lose the interest in blogging. Common sense guys............common sense.

Battle of the Sexes

Question...

Why in the hell do women always tell men that there's nothing wrong when its clear as day that there is?

The passive aggressive nature of women absolutely amazes me....and you know what? This is coming from a guy that has pissed off his fair share of women. Every guy reading this is thinking "Oh, haven't we all" and while the expectation is that I will sit here and try to explain to you that I've pissed off more women than any of you have but I know that I haven't. I know that we all have pissed off plenty of women. Shit, its in our nature. And half the time we don't know we're even doing it. You know why? BECAUSE THOSE GODDAM WOMEN WON'T TELL US!!!!

Let's touch upon something here.............when a guy gets angry, he does all he can NOT to piss all over the furniture to mark his territory. Everyone around him knows he's pissed off. And 90% of the time, everyone around him knows WHY he's pissed off. It could be a reason as small as a stain on the carpet or a reason as big as the Red Sox blowing another game because Terry Francona brought in the wrong relief pitcher and that pitcher ended up giving up four runs in the seventh inning because he didn't get enough warm up time and THEN EVERYTHING JUST GOES WRONG FROM THERE BECAUSE THAT LOUSY BUM CAN'T THROW A BASEBALL..............sorry...........got off topic there.....anyway, the reason that everyone knows why he's pissed off is because we're trained. We're trained by women to be up front and honest. Not only are we trained but we're commanded to be so because if we don't, we have to deal with the constant nagging of a woman that NEEDS to know why we're pissed off. So we just save time, do our best to shut her up, and say what's wrong.

Oh, but not women. The same woman that has us trained to not only be "open" and "honest" but also to fetch the damn paper on command, has that inevitable talent to make us guess what's wrong with her no matter what. How many guys have been through this scenario:

Guy: "Honey, I'm going to watch the game with the guys tonight."
Insane woman: "Ok, have fun." (with slight disdain)
Guy: "Are you ok with that? I won't go if you don't want me to."
Insane woman: "No, no, its fine. Have fun with your little friends."
Guy: "Wait, what's that mean? I just want to go out and watch the game."
Insane woman: "I said it was fine. I'll be here doing laundry. Enjoy."

And with that last statement, the guy already knows that he's in trouble for even THINKING about going out to watch the game. Why is he in trouble? BECAUSE ITS PROBABLY THE F***ING 3 YEAR, TWO MONTH ANNIVERSARY OF THE FIRST KISS YOU HAD THAT WAS ON A TUESDAY NIGHT AFTER EATING CRUNCH BERRIES!!!!! SHOULDN'T WE REMEMBER THAT?!?!?!?! WHO COULD POSSIBLY FORGET THE F***ING CRUNCH BERRIES?!?!

Its amazing to me how women can be so open to their friends about their ass looking fat in a certain pair of pants while they make guys play cherades without the benefit of actions to figure out what the hell is wrong with them!!!!!

Ladies.....be honest......its all about the mystery. A guy absolutely HAS to be open and honest about everything while you can sit back, relax, and make them guess everything. Its all about the mystery. Its all about never letting a guy figure you out. Because if he does......you change everything around. The mystery is letting us believe that black is actually white, and once we figure out that black is actually white, IT SWITCHES RIGHT THE F**K BACK TO BLACK BEING BLACK!!!! Love eggs over easy?!?! Fantastic!!! That's how we'll make them!!! Of course, after the third time of making eggs over easy, suddenly you prefer them scrambled!!!!!!!!!!!! Why didn't we know this?!?!?! We are such awful human beings!!!! By now we should know that you've had eggs over easy for the third time in fifty freakin' years so now you want them scrambled!!!! DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

And you know what ladies? Truth be told......we don't want you to make it easy on any of us. As much as we hate to admit it.........we're going to love you anyway.

Peace.

Pike Hike

So......for those of you not aware, the tolls that have been in place in Massachusetts for the past, oh, I don't know, hundred years were supposed to be gone by now. The Ted Williams Tunnel, the Tobin Bridge, the base of my freakin' driveway.........you know, all the spots they can put a toll where your butthole will hurt for years after paying for it all. Well, these tolls have been around for FAR longer than "they" had originally planned....matter of fact, they've talked many, many times about taking the tolls out. I'm pretty sure they've more than paid for the work done on the roads as was their original intention...

Well, now there is new talk about raising the tolls.........YET AGAIN! Now...when all of the toll hikes first started, I'll admit I didn't really care. I lived on the South Shore and only paid the tolls maybe once every six months. Well...now I live on the North Shore and I work on the South Shore, so I have to pay this damn toll at least six times a week. SEVEN DOLLARS SIX TIMES A WEEK!!! THAT'S $2,184 A YEAR!!!

For the love of God, help all of us toll payers out!!! What the hell do they want from us?!?! We voted to keep the damn income tax in this state and they STILL up the tolls!!!

Help us out...you don't have to live on the North Shore to give a shit about the damn tolls. Anyone and everyone should be going to StopThePikeHike.org and throwing their names on the petition to try and prevent this. There's a whole bunch of stuff about rallies and crap that no one really cares about, and to be honest, I'm not going to go out there and freeze my ass off in East Boston to listen to a bunch of friggan hippies smoke pot and piss and moan about how the government is keeping them down...YOU DON'T EVEN OWN A CAR YA FREAKIN' GANJA BASTARD!!!...but I did throw my name on the petition and I ask that everyone else does, too. It probably won't make a difference and they'll probably hike the tolls anyway but at the very least, I'll know I wasted my time, and your as well, for a cause that no one really cares about...

...bastards.