So let's clear some things up here...
Here's a little insight into what people really mean when they say certain things. Let's go:
-When someone says "I'm just a neat freak" they actually mean "I'm extremely neurotic and if you drop something on the floor I'll kill you."
-When someone says "I love nature" they actually mean "I'm a hippie; someone shoot me."
-When a guy says "No, Sweetie, I have no problem with you going to get dinner with your ex-boyfriend. I trust you" he actually means "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"
-When a woman says "No, Sweetie, I have no problem with you going to get dinner with your ex-girlfriend. I trust you" she actually means "If you go out with that skank, I will sleep with every one of your friends"
-When a husband says "Sure, Hon, we can get the Kia for better gas mileage" he actually means "Well we already have three kids anyway...I guess the loss of my penis for driving that piece of crap won't matter much"
-When a wife says "Sure, Hon, we can get the Mustang for some fun" she actually means "If you buy that f***ing thing I will sleep with every one of your friends"
-When a father says "New boyfriend, huh? Yeah sure bring him over" he actually means "OH COME ON!!!!!"
-When a mother says "New boyfriend, huh? Well, don't let your father find out" she actually means.......well........she probably means exactly that.
-When bosses say "Yeah, sure! You deserve a vacation!" they actually mean "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!"
-When a barber says "Oops" he actually means "Have you thought about shaving your head? That look is in this year"
-When a doctor says "Oops"..................just run; it doesn't matter what he means.
-When a mechanic says "Don't worry. Its not that bad. Maybe a couple hundred bucks" he actually means "I'm going to need some collateral for this loan you're about to take out"
-When a used car salesman says "This here's a beaut! Only one owner and 'taken care of'" he actually means "Yeah some wanna be race car driver owned this thing. He beat the crap out of it and it probably won't last much longer"
-When a lady in a dress shop says "Oh my you look heavenly in that color" she actually means "Damn!! Your ass is huge!!"
-When a fortune teller says "You will be hit with a large amount of luck" she actually means "Duck"
-When a guy says "Honey, I'm only going to the strip club for Joe's bachelor party. I won't even look" he actually means "BOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIES!!"
-When a woman says "Honey, I'm only going to the strip club for Jane's bachelorette party. I won't even look" she actually means "Back off ya fat ass...if you're lucky I'll come home riled up"
-When a waiter in a snotty restaurant says "Oh yes sir. I'll bring your coffee right over" he actually means "Would you like urine with that?"
Keep on keeping on....peace.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Back by popular demand...
TOP FORTY RULES FROM MEN TO WOMEN
40. Learn to work the toilet seat: We need it up, you need it down...if it's up put it down.
39. Don't cut your hair....................ever.
38. Birthdays, Valentines Day, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again.
37. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
36. Sometimes he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
35. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, golf, the designated hitter rule, or monster trucks.
34. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
33. We're not going to tell you you're fat so stop asking us.
32. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
31. Shopping is not a sport.
30. Anything you wear is fine...................really.
29. You have enough clothes.
28. You have too many shoes.
27. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
26. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your Dad probably is too.
25. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
24. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
23. Peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
22. Most guys own two or three pairs of shoes -- What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to any question.
20. A headache that lasts for 13 months is a problem. See a doctor.
19. Your mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
18. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
17. Check your oil.
16. Don't give us 50 rules when 10 will do.
15. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
14. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.
13. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
12. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
11. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
10. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we appreciate how pretty you are?
9. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.
8. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
7. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
6. Women wearing Wonder Bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
5. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
4. Telling us that the female models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazine.
3. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
2. We see only sixteen colors. Like Windows default...ie: peach and plum are not colors...they're fruit.
AND FINALLY, THE NUMBER ONE RULE:
1. Using our tools for a reasons outside their intended use is illegal and may be punishable by death.
40. Learn to work the toilet seat: We need it up, you need it down...if it's up put it down.
39. Don't cut your hair....................ever.
38. Birthdays, Valentines Day, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again.
37. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
36. Sometimes he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
35. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, golf, the designated hitter rule, or monster trucks.
34. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
33. We're not going to tell you you're fat so stop asking us.
32. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
31. Shopping is not a sport.
30. Anything you wear is fine...................really.
29. You have enough clothes.
28. You have too many shoes.
27. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
26. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your Dad probably is too.
25. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
24. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
23. Peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
22. Most guys own two or three pairs of shoes -- What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to any question.
20. A headache that lasts for 13 months is a problem. See a doctor.
19. Your mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
18. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
17. Check your oil.
16. Don't give us 50 rules when 10 will do.
15. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
14. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.
13. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
12. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
11. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
10. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we appreciate how pretty you are?
9. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.
8. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
7. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
6. Women wearing Wonder Bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
5. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
4. Telling us that the female models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazine.
3. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
2. We see only sixteen colors. Like Windows default...ie: peach and plum are not colors...they're fruit.
AND FINALLY, THE NUMBER ONE RULE:
1. Using our tools for a reasons outside their intended use is illegal and may be punishable by death.
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